My mum! Only mine! - or a few words about childhood jealousy

My friend Tom recently gave birth to her second child.... As a selfless friend, I decided to help with the care of her eldest daughter Anechka. She is already three years old and she was very, very looking forward to the birth of her brother. To all of us who knew this family well, it seemed that no jealousy of the youngest would arise there.
Anya repeatedly told how she would be happy to bathe her little brother, play with him, roll him on her swing. The whole family was very happy and moved by this.
A baby was born. Mom, of course, began to devote most of her time to the little boy. This became especially noticeable on walks, where Anya was now walking not with her beloved mother, but with me, grandmothers, neighbors, godparents and other close adults. Once, during one of the walks, Anechka began to cry a lot, refused to go to play with other children. It was simply impossible to distract or console her!
I was very surprised when Anyasaid she doesn't want a brother anymorethat she wants to be only with her mother, but her mother no longer loves her! Then I really thought, what exactly is child jealousy? How can you avoid it? How to improve family relationships and not lose contact with an older child?

Parents rarely think about childhood jealousy. More often than not, they are simply trying to stimulate a good relationship with the younger child. This is done through suggestions, gifts, entertainment, and sweets. Unfortunately, this is not always effective.

How do you know if your child is jealous?

Parents are very lucky: children are not shy about expressing their feelings... But their verbal form is usually shocking. An older child may offer to give the baby to someone else (“Aunt A. has no children!”), Throw it out the window, or return it to the hospital (“He will be fine there!”). Don't worry, it's unlikely that your child will actually do something bad, but this sign of jealousy cannot be left unanswered!

Parallel an older child usually tries in every possible way to attract the attention of parents: may ask to be fed now only by the mother, although before the birth of the crumbs he did it perfectly and with pleasure, he may start to sleep badly and call you or demand your presence while falling asleep, may make a special noise when asked to be quieter, may even hit younger child or bite him. There are a lot of examples of this kind of behavior!

How to raise without childish jealousy?

Some practical tips to help you achieve harmony in your family after replenishment:

Let the elder help the youngerif he (she) wants it. You can even single out some business for which the elder will be responsible (bring a pacifier, toys, etc.).
Do not interfere with communication between children! If the older child wants to touch or pet the younger, then do not forbid it. Don't make an idol at home!
Try to keep the older child's daily routine. Yes, it is not easy and you will need the help of friends and relatives while you spend so much time on a newborn, but the less the regime for an older child changes, the less stress he will feel due to changes in the family. Try to keep your walks, lunch, and sleep the same. In no case should a child give up circles or games with their peers because of the appearance of a baby!
Move the older child to a separate bed or room before leaving for the hospital. Perhaps for some time dad will need to deal with sleep issues, not mom. So you will not allow resentment to form against the younger child due to the fact that he de facto took the place of the elder's dream. The same goes for weaningif the difference between children is very small. The sooner you do this, the less chance of resentment (article on how to wean a baby).
Often after the birth of a baby, the elder is sent to grandmothers. This can be seen as a betrayal, so better ask your family to help you at home (cook, clean; play, read or be creative with the older child; walk with the younger on the street)than to evict the child from the usual place. Children find the culprit in this very quickly and you probably guess who they will become.
Feel free to show concern and love in relation to the older child, kiss, hug him.
Children should have different affectionate nicknames.... You should not always call one by name, and the other only "cat".
Do not prohibit an older baby from being present while breastfeeding, but it is better to have a special place for this and explain that there you should not be disturbed.
Show as an example a family with two children where they get along well. Explain to your child that this is very correct and fun!
Emphasize the importance of the older child's role in the younger child's life... For example, emphasize that no one else knows how to play and entertain or calm down like him.
Do not constantly point out that the youngest is small and therefore everything is possible for him and that all the best should be for him. So you provoke an older child into more childish behavior and create complexes in him.
An older child should have his own, personal, time alone with his mother... Let it be, for example, during dad's walk with the younger. So you will show that the older child is no less important to you than the younger one and that you are still his beloved mother. Just don't need to cook or clean at this time! Dedicate it to a pleasant pastime with your child: draw, read, or do some craftwork.

You should not suddenly become a strict and principled mother after childbirth. Yes, it will get harder, but this is not a reason to refuse support and attention to an older child! All your children need to feel confident that their parents are on their side, that they value and respect them. Try to become a friend for your older child and then the appearance of another baby will pass in the family quite calmly.

We read in detail:

Why is the older child jealous of the younger? What should parents do?
Children in the family compete: how to wisely solve the problem

How to save an older child from feeling jealous if a baby has appeared in the family? This topic will be discussed by psychologist Anika Rimarenko:

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