Recently I struck up a conversation with a friend whose child went to kindergarten for the first time. I asked her how the first day went. She answered with undisguised joy that everything was fine: “In the morning I took Nikita to the group, changed him, left him without problems. I come back in 2 hours, stands in the same place where I left him. "
Obviously, Nikita belongs to the category of timid and calm kids. He stood waiting for his mother in one place for about 2 hours without tears, without hysterics, without unnecessary movements.
During walks, we sometimes meet with Nikita and his mother on the street, the children play together in the sandbox. So, my son Artyom freely takes the toys he likes from Nikita and shows him where to build a sand castle. And if it were another child, wayward and perky, who would not allow such an attitude, it would not have been possible to avoid a quarrel.
A similar incident has already happened to us on the playground. My Artyom bumped into the same cocky kid, as a result of which there was a serious fight with attempts to finish off the opponent. Something like we, two mothers, stopped our raging "warriors". At that moment, I decided that I would no longer take my son to play on that site, and also try to explain to him that what you want can be achieved without a fight. My reflections on the topic, whether I was right, made me pretty nervous.How to do the right thing in such situations?
Kids are fighting
Let's first understand reasons fights between children. Where do the roots of childhood aggression come from and why do babies allow themselves this behavior? Psychologists believe that there are only 6 such reasons.
- Lack of parental attention
The explanation here is pretty simple. The kid knows that at the moment of the fight, his mother will immediately come running, abandoning all her affairs, and will begin to figure out what happened and who is to blame. This behavior is typical of children whose families have recently been replenished. The child is afraid of losing the love to which he is accustomed, he is terribly jealous of the newborn, worries, therefore subconsciously does not come up with anything better than to start a fight. (read on the topic: childish jealousy)
- Inability to communicate differently
Not all babies know how to express their thoughts and desires in words, so sometimes they have to resort to physical pressure. Don't let that scare you. It often happens that, after shaking each other by the hair or bumping their shoulders, the kids very soon continue to play peacefully. Over time, it is still worth teaching such brawlers to explain in a normal way.
- Protecting your interests
When parents perceive their child as a person, they have no questions about why the baby is fighting over his toy. It is his right to protect his belongings from any encroachment on them and dispose of them at his own discretion. Therefore, when the words: "Give me my toy!" do not have the desired effect, fists are already being used.
- A way to get rid of unnecessary parenting
The constant control sometimes tires the little ones. It is difficult to stay on top all the time and live up to my mother's idea of the ideal child. The accumulated tension makes itself felt, and the baby becomes like a wolf cub cornered. Try to "loosen your grip", give your child some freedom and confidence. Then you can completely forget about the fights.
- Excessive activity is a consequence of a hot temperament
Even adults, psycho-choleric, cannot always cope with themselves and pacify their ardor. What then to say about little children? It is very difficult to control yourself at the moment of a stormy showdown, which is why temperamental kids prove their "truth" with their fists.
- Health problems
Hyperactivity, distracted attention syndrome and hyperexcitability are indicative of health problems in the child. If the mother was stressed during pregnancy or the delivery was not entirely successful, children may experience some of these behavioral patterns. They cannot be attributed to bad manners or unbridledness. Any your suspicions of such violations must be expressed to a neurologist.
What should parents do when children fight?
Point of view number 1. Do not climb - let them figure it out themselves
“Don't get involved in their relationship. How will they cope with their problems in the garden, school? Mom will not be there anymore! "
Basically, yes, when we talk about children over 4 years old. But what about kids 2-3 years old? Is it really possible for them to smash everything to smithereens when they share space in the sandbox or decide who will play with the rubber donkey?Most kids are ready to fight to the end to get what they want..
Every kid is absolutely convinced that he should get the toy, so the fight usually lasts until all the sand in the sandbox is behind its side, and the donkey loses its ears forever. The intervention of adults in this situation is mandatory. Such little children still do not know how to negotiate, they need help.Teach them to negotiate - this will be the key to the successful development of their personality.
Point of view # 2. To divert attention to something extraneous
When your child is inflamed with might and main and does not hear anything around, the only way out is to change the scene. Grab it under your arm and carry it away from the scene of the skirmish. He will be able to understand what you are saying to him only if he calms down. Be patient and don't let your anger get the better of your emotions.
We were all children and we understand that we cannot do without quarrels in communicating with other people. Kids at this age still do not understand a lot and therefore solve their problems in the ways available to them.Don't swear, try to understand their feelings and help cope with them.
Point of view # 3. Show how fun it is to play together
The most difficult task is to explain to your child that you can play with the one with whom he is angry. "Don't you understand that you can't fight!" or “Try to find a common language with Kolya. Give her your toy, and he will give you his ball to play ”- such your arguments will surely be taken with hostility.Parents need to show kids how to play together.
Encourage the children to play a game, such as playing ball together. You can throw it to each other in turn, in a circle.Children love adult participation in their games... Try to come up with an interesting activity for them, then there will be less and less reasons to argue or fight for another toy.
Trying to explain something to someone else's child is not at all rewarding. Most likely, you will not achieve anything from him, and you also risk being misunderstood by his parents. This can lead to a scandal, as a result of which you can lose your credibility in the eyes of your child.Be smart and always put yourself in the shoes of other parents. Would you like it if someone lectured your little one? I think no.
My "helpers"
My practice of communicating with children has taught me to resolve conflicts in some rather primitive ways.In my purse there are always small toys like soap bubbles, crayons or inflatable balloons. These are the very things that can distract children from conflict and take their attention.
We, adults, do not always know how to cope with our emotions, and sometimes we get involved in a quarrel. Throughout our lives we have been learning to find a compromise, but we do not always succeed. The only pity is that our conflicts cannot be dispelled with a few pieces of colored chalk or a couple of beautiful balloons.
There is nothing more difficult for a mother than a situation when one child offends another. I want to teach a lesson, punish the offender, show how painful it is. Is it effective? Will such methods be a guarantee that fights will not be repeated in the future? In this episode of Women's Environment, Yana Kataeva gives you working tips. All that remains for you is to have a little patience and put these tips into practice:
