What to do if your child doesn't listen to you

As you know, a person is formed in childhood, from where habits, habits, character are subsequently transferred into adulthood, influencing the state of his life. The formation and formation of a personality is always a difficult process, which is necessarily accompanied by a protest from the child. Disobedience is often a form of child protest. In such situations or even periods, many parents do not know how to behave correctly. As a result, there is a lack of understanding between generations, which is growing more and more each time. To avoid such tragic consequences, it is advisable for parents to understand the reason for the child's disobedience. After all, the solution to any problem lies in its origins.

Does the kid not want to dress in any? Doesn't he flatly refuse to wash his hands before eating? When you speak: "No you can not" - throws things and gets angry. Pulls the cat by the tail, after what you said it hurts. Licks the handrails on the bus. And then your patience ends. You have already gone over the entire arsenal: banned, joked, distracted - nothing helps. What to do when the child behaves unbearably and does not obey ...

Reasons for child disobedience

The main factors that can provoke a child into disobedience include:

1. Age crisis

In psychological practice, several periods of the age crisis are distinguished: one year, three years, preschool, adolescence / transitional age.

Time frames can be set on an individual basis. However, it is precisely with the onset of age-related crisis periods that significant changes occur in the child's life. For example, in a year he begins to walk actively, learns to be independent and learns the world with interest. Parents, for reasons of child safety, introduce various restrictions on the fun process, thus provoking a protest from the child.

2. A large number of requirements and restrictions

Restrictions and prohibitions are of maximum benefit only in moderation. When everything is always forbidden to a child, he begins to rebel. If very often the child hears “CANNOT”, this causes him to protest and disobedience. For the experiment, you can count the number of said word "no" for an hour or a whole day. If the indicators go off scale, then it makes sense to extend the restrictions only to those actions of the child that can be potentially dangerous for him: playing on the road, pampering with medicines or electrical appliances. But you should not constantly prohibit the baby to play noisily, run, or even throw toys.

3. Lack of parental consistency

When parents turn a blind eye to the little pranks of children, children consider this behavior to be normal. But if you suddenly have a headache, for example, some troubles and problems at work, had a hard day, stressful situations, lost your mood - the parents punish the child for behavior that has always been considered “normal”. Then the child is at a loss, there is a conflict arising from a misunderstanding of the reason for the punishment. With the regular repetition of such situations, internal conflict begins to be expressed by disobedience.

4. Permissiveness

In this case, all restrictions and prohibitions have been lifted, and the child is absolutely free in his actions and words. Parents are happy, because everything is allowed to the child, every whim is satisfied and the child has a “happy childhood”. But this idyll continues until a certain point, when it becomes clear that the child is uncontrollable. Then all attempts to instill in him the norms of a correct and respectful attitude are reduced to his disobedience, because the child is already spoiled.

5. Inconsistency of words and deeds

On a subconscious level, children always repeat the behavior of their parents, the features of which can be the main reason for child disobedience, because it is hidden precisely in the peculiarities of the parents' behavior. A vivid example is the lack of fulfillment of promises, in particular, punishments, which results in ignoring parental words due to a frivolous attitude towards them. Or you can promise to reward your child for good behavior, but you don't keep your promises. So why then listen to you, you will deceive anyway.

6. Different requirements of family members

When one of the parents makes high demands on the child, and the other slowly pity and pamper him, one of them loses authority in the children's eyes, which is expressed in a lack of obedience. Such a conflict is typical between parents (mom and dad: for example, dad makes more severe demands on the child, and mom quietly regrets and sympathizes with the baby, pampers him. In such cases, at least for the sake of appearance, they can listen and respect, but it is not necessary to listen to mom). Or, on the contrary, you need to obey your mother, she will always protect, but your father is not necessary. In any case, a compassionate mother will intercede in front of this tyrant.) And grandparents, for the latter of whom it is common to pamper their beloved grandchildren and then parents suffer.

7. Lack of respect for the child

In this case, disobedience is rather a protest against injustice and your disrespect. With the unwillingness of parents to listen and hear their child, as well as their full confidence that the child should not have their own opinion, a protest arises from the child's side. It is important to remember that a child is a person, and he always has an opinion about everything in the world, even the most insignificant. In this case, at least it is necessary to pay attention to this.

8. Frequent family conflicts, divorce

Many parents, in finding out their attitude and solving various problems, forget to pay enough attention to the child. As a rule, the switch to the child occurs because of his pranks and pranks only in order to punish, after which the baby again fades into the background. Over time, this all leads to childish disobedience, as a way to attract attention.

As far as divorce is concerned, it is very stressful for every child. The realization comes that now communication with parents will take place separately. Then the child begins to practice a defiant demeanor, because when he does something, the parents can for a while combine their educational efforts, just what he needs.

Anastasia Vladimirovna Eliseeva, a teacher of the Voronezh Waldorf school "Rainbow", a 7th grade teacher, answers the parents' questions.

How to achieve obedience

Whatever the reason for children's disobedience, it is important to combat it. Namely:

Correlate the number of punishments and praises: for a serious offense, the child must necessarily be punished, but also do not forget about praise.
Be aware of how you express your injunction and how you react to the child's misconduct. It is more correct to replace the cry and categoricalness with a calm tone. At the same time, you should not be ashamed of your feelings, frankly telling the child what exactly and to what extent upsets. "Son, I'm so upset about your behavior." - believe me, the child will behave in a completely different way.
Use alternative ways to draw children's attention to your words. When a child is very passionate about an activity, it can be difficult to get him to switch to something else. Alternatively, you can address him in a whisper (also use facial expressions and gestures). The child will immediately notice the change in the volume of speech and will begin to listen - what happened.
Do not voice your requests many times., since the child will get used to repeated repetitions, and the reaction on his part will begin only after the repetition, followed by punishment. To avoid this, it is advisable to develop a certain algorithm of actions:the first warning should be aimed at stimulating the child to stop acting without punishment; second, if he ignored the remark, punishment should follow; after the punishment, it is important to explain to the child the reason why he was punished. If this algorithm is strictly followed, the child's subconscious will begin to react to the first remark made.
When communicating with a child, you must stop using the "NOT" particle: Often in response to your requests:“Don't run”, “don't jump”, “don't shout” the child does the opposite. Do not think and do not worry about what your child does to spite you, just the human psyche, and especially the child's one, is designed in such a way that phrases with a negative semantic color are omitted when perceived. For this reason, it is advisable to replace the negative particle with alternative phrases.
When the child is protesting in the form of a tantrum, try to calm down and not pay attention to it. When the child calms down, you should once again explain your request or requirements, using a calm tone. A great option is a distraction, when the child's attention is switched to a more entertaining activity or subject. For example, a child expresses a desire to eat independently, but all his attempts fail, since most of the food ends up on the floor. When adults try to feed the baby, protests, tantrums and disobedience begin. Then you can switch the child's attention to the doll, which the child must feed. He will surely like this idea. And at this time it becomes possible to feed the baby.
You must always follow the consistency in words, actions, demands and deeds. In the event of the slightest discrepancy, the child will cease to obey, but not out of harm as it may seem, but his confusion will become the cause of disobedience. To achieve the most positive result, all family members must agree on a sequence.
Give your child sufficient attention despite being busy and having various problems. In this case, we are not talking about the amount of time spent together. Its quality is important. Even half an hour of interesting time together with a child cannot be compared with a whole day of unproductive communication.
Be sympathetic to childhood maturation. It is the period of growing up that is most often the reason for disobedience. Often, under the influence of friends, a growing teenager shows his "coolness". Thus, the child tries to express himself and prove his independence. Here it is important to choose the right approach to the child without losing authority and trust in his eyes.
If children's trust and respect is lost, you should try to regain them. There is no need to get into the soul of a child, it is enough to show interest in his life. It may turn out that the music he listens to is not as bad as it seems, and modern literature may also have a deep philosophical meaning. In the process of communication, it will become clear that there are many topics of conversation where tastes and opinions converge.

Consultation by Yana Kataeva (specialist in relation to the family after the birth of children): what to do if the child does not obey - 5 tips for parents. Strengthen bond with your child

How to restore contact with a child

Continuing the theme of parental rapprochement with the child, several important points should be highlighted, thanks to which mutual mental and emotional contact with the child becomes possible:

An important role in children's obedience is a relationship of trust, the result of which is the child's understanding that parents are still better at coping with problems. The advantage of such a relationship, in contrast to unconditional submission, is the ability of the baby to ask questions of interest to him without fear of angering the parents. Parents, in turn, should ask counter questions, making it clear that the problem can be solved in several ways:“What do you think is the best thing to do? Can I count on your help? May I ask you to do this? ”.
If you want to ask your child about an important request, you should not forget about physical contact with him: you can hug him, kiss him, stroke him. This will be better than repeatedly shouting your request to him across the room. Through touching, the child realizes a mutual interest in fulfilling the request. This is the way to say: “We are together, and this is the main thing. What I tell you will not break our contact. I only hope to strengthen it. The most important thing is the relationship, not the desire of each of us. ”
It is equally important to maintain trusting eye contact with the child. In the presence of sharp movements and a stern look, the child begins to defend himself on the subconscious, perceiving any request as a threat and a desire to exert psychological pressure on him, and he will perceive a request to fulfill something as an ultimatum.
If you want your child to constantly and obediently fulfill your requests, it is extremely important to thank him for the next completed task or service rendered. Words of gratitude will strengthen the child's belief that they are loved and that it is up to him to improve the relationship. Moral, psychological encouragement is valued by children much more than candy. Thus, an incentive to work will be developed. We also read: how to teach a child to work
The child must understand that in especially urgent cases, when there is a threat to the safety of the family, all its members must obey the elder without question. For this, the baby must be aware of possible problems. He should delicately explain that strict adherence to the rules is the basis for saving lives and health of people. In this case, we can mention the possibility of negotiating with parents. It will not be superfluous if the child makes sure that his parents are ready to obey him in special cases.

Situations

Any theory should always be supported by practice. In this case, for clarity and a kind of "practical guide" for parents, it makes sense to consider and analyze the following situations:

Situation 1. What age is most characteristic of child disobedience? When is the so-called starting point expected? Is disobedience typical for a one year old child?

In this case, everything is purely individual, and “reference points” for everyone can begin at a different age period. Kids can throw tantrums at 2 years old, or at 5 years old they may not know that there is such a way to get their way. The environment and the people around the baby have a great influence. He may begin to imitate a cartoon character or a peer who orders tantrums from his parents, after which he will experiment on his own. In such a situation, the main rule is not to indulge in whims. Otherwise, this behavior will become a habit in the child.

It is another matter when disobedience manifests itself in the validity of the baby's demands. For example, he expresses a desire to dress, put on shoes or eat on his own. As a result of the fact that he is not allowed to do this, the child begins to become hysterical. And in this he is right. But if the hysteria has already begun, then he is right or not - all the same, show firmness, he will have to come to terms with the fact that nothing can be achieved by crying and crying. And you draw a conclusion for the future and do not provoke more similar situations.

Situation 2. Disobedience and behavior problems can also occur in children 2 years of age. What is the reason for disobedience at this age? Why does the child not respond to requests from adults? And what to do in such cases?

According to experts, it is at the age of 2 that the personality begins to form in children, and by the age of 3 it is already almost fully formed.For this reason, at this age, as mentioned above, one should not indulge in children's whims, otherwise it will be too late later.

If we talk about the rules of parental behavior in case of a child's tantrums, then the main thing here is calmness. One of the peaceful ways to resolve the situation is to attract children's attention to something more interesting. In the absence of results, the child's hysterical behavior should be ignored. The main thing is to remain calm, not to get frustrated by the manifestation of your nerves, and not to "hover" over him in panic. The scheme of your behavior should be something like this: once it will cause a scandal - we stand firmly, we do not react, the second time - there will be much fewer tears and screams, and the third time it may well not be at all.We also read: how to deal with child hysteria: advice from a psychologist.

It is also worth considering that the same child may behave differently with different caregivers. It's all about the correct presentation and communication with the baby. Perhaps you noticed this in your family - the child does not obey the mother, and the navel - without question.

Situation 3. Most often, the peak of disobedience occurs at the age of 2-4 and manifests itself in frequent or even regular tantrums. What is the right thing to do if a child of 2-4 years old does not obey?

This age period in children is marked by testing the parents for strength and "probing" the boundaries of what is permissible. It is especially important here to be patient with perseverance. To miss this period in education means to doom yourself to big problems in the future with character, obedience, and family relationships, in general.

Therefore, re-read the recommendations that were given to you in the previous paragraphs, and proceed. Nothing new can be advised here.

You can also practice soulful conversations with a child who, at this age, becomes reasonably intelligent and understanding. Talk to your child, become an authority for him, not just a parent.

Situation 4. At the age of 6-7 years, the child already knows the value of his actions, distinguishing between good and bad behavior, how one can behave and how not. However, even at this age, some children show disobedience, only deliberately “for evil”. What are the recommendations for this age?

7 years is a kind of milestone, one of the turning points in a child's life, when he begins to rethink and change his life views. And this is due to the beginning of the school period, when certain loads and requirements begin. In this situation, praise is the best parenting tactic. Moreover, warm words must be spoken even about minor points. It is praise that will become a powerful incentive for which the child will try.

Situation 5. A naughty child knows very well the reaction to his misdeeds of all family members. You can often face a lack of mutual understanding between them, when one parent scolds and punishes, and the other regrets or cancels the punishment. How should the correct upbringing in the family be built? How to achieve unanimous resolution of conflicts?

The main thing that all family members must understand is that the child turns all the disagreements in his favor. It is important to avoid such situations as there is a high likelihood of loss of authority. The child's knowledge of the reactions of all family members allows him to manipulate them. Very often spoiled children grow up in such families, who later become uncontrolled.

During the absence of the child, it is advisable to organize a family council, where the situation should be discussed in detail. It is important to come to a common denominator when it comes to raising a child. You also need to consider some of the tricks that children use: they can ask permission from one adult, but not get consent. Then they immediately go to another - and he permits. The result is disobedience and disrespect for mom today, which can result in the same for dad tomorrow.

You need to understand that there are no trifles when it comes to raising a child. Kindergarten or elementary school teachers also discuss any little things for themselves, starting from where to change clothes for children, how to put a table and chairs in class, in which sink the boys wash their hands, and in which sink, and in which girls, and other seemingly insignificant issues for education ... But this is necessary so that the children later do not say that we are sitting in the wrong way with Maria Ivanovna or that we are not standing with Natalia Petrovna. There is no need to give children reason to doubt the correctness of our requirements, because everything starts with little things. To begin with, the child simply does not understand why one says, do this, and the other does. Questions arise, then a protest, and then a banal manipulation and refusal to obey at the first shaky situation.

Be sure to pay attention to children's tricks and manipulation by adults. For example, when a baby tries to take time off to take a walk with his mother and receives an answer like: "First, do your homework, and then you go for a walk.", then goes to the father with the same request and receives permission. Today, using dad's thoughtless permission, he shows disobedience and disrespect for mom's opinion, tomorrow he will do the same with dad, and the day after tomorrow he will not ask his parents at all. Stop such manipulations and provocations of conflict in the family. Agree between yourself that for any requests you both first ask for the opinion of the other parent, you can just ask the child: "What did dad (/ mom) say (/ a)?", and then give an answer. If there are disagreements of opinion, discuss them among yourself, but always so that the child does not hear. In general, try not to sort things out in front of the child, no matter what issue your dispute concerns.

Situation 6. All mothers, without exception, are familiar with the situation when, when visiting a store together, a child asks to buy another toy or candy. However, it is not possible to constantly delight your beloved child with purchases. And then, upon refusal to buy the required thing, the child throws a tantrum and falls hysterically on the floor in the store. How to behave in such a situation?

Nothing can be done, children always want something. They want the same hare as Masha's, or the same typewriter as Igor's - this is normal. Agree, and we are far from all and we do not always agree to understand that you should not buy a new bag, because there are already 33 bags in the closet at home, and in normal condition. What do you want from a child ?! So he fell to the floor, sobbing and screaming, rolling around the store - a very common situation, natural, I would say. And if you buy everything that the child asks now, tomorrow he will do the same and get what he wants again. Why not? It worked once!

A child's desire for sweets or a new toy is quite natural: he does not have this or he has not tried this yet. You can't blame him for that. The best way out of the situation will be a serious and calm conversation with the child before visiting the store, in which it is important for him to understand the reason for the impossibility of buying, but do not lisp, say, as with an adult: “There is no money, you still need to earn it. And they already bought you a toy this month ”- and so on, calmly and confidently. If the conversation did not lead to the desired results, and the child still threw a tantrum in the store, take him and calmly, without shouting and spanking, carry him home. Do not pay attention to passers-by, believe me, they see this quite often, you will not surprise them with anything.

Situation 7. Requests, persuasions, arguments and arguments do not have the desired effect on the child - the child does not obey. What is the reason for this behavior? What mistakes do parents make?

There are three most important, most common, and most pernicious mistakes made by parents:

Follow the child's lead.Yes, of course, every child is a person, but you need to understand the scope of what is permissible, you need to give an account of what this will lead to later.
Discussion of various moments and behavior with a child.If you are discussing, then there are disagreements - the child should not even suspect about them!
Scream at the child. Shouting is not only stupid, ugly, a bad role model, but it is also ineffective.

Disobedience and punishment

It is important to consider two rules when it comes to punishing misconduct:

It is necessary to give an account of your actions, their reasons, and also think about the thoughts of the child, who should feel the justice of the punishment. In similar situations, you cannot act in two ways, relying only on mood or other factors (for example, today you are in a good mood and you did not pay attention to the child's misbehavior, and tomorrow you were punished for the same offense).
In serious situations, the child must clearly understand the validity of the parents' actions. If the baby does not obey, punishment is a completely natural result. It will be exactly as the parents said (preferably in a calm tone).

If a child does not obey, the punishment should come naturally to him. This is what is important to teach the baby - the understanding of the naturalness and inevitability of punishment. Life itself demonstrates examples of this. If you go to a red light, you can get into an accident. Without wearing a hat, you can catch a cold. While indulging in a cup of tea, you can spill hot on yourself and so on.

Before punishing a child, it is necessary to explain what his pampering is fraught with. You should speak in a calm, confident tone that does not tolerate objections.
Proper education and the formation of the character of the child is possible if the following principles are observed:

The main purpose of punishment is to deprive the child of some meaningful pleasure for him;
The restriction should be implemented immediately, and not postponed until later. In children, the sense of time is developed differently, and the punishment, performed after a certain interval, can cause bewilderment in the child, as a result of which it is likely that resentment is held;
The word “no” should be categorical and firm, not tolerating compromise, persuasion and discussion, no need to negotiate with the child and cancel your decision. If you follow the lead and give in to persuasion, you can become an object of manipulation. Therefore, think before making decisions, so that later you do not regret what was said and do not change your decisions on the go. Children immediately understand that it is possible to negotiate with you, and then you yourself will not notice how your child begins to set the framework for behavior, and not you.
Whatever the offense, you should not raise your hand against the child. Thus, you can provoke aggression and notoriousness;
You should abandon constant external control over the child. This is fraught with a lack of children's independence, decisiveness, responsibility, such children are easily amenable to other people's opinions and are not able to make any serious decisions. All this then develops into adulthood (among drug addicts, the majority of such people, those who easily succumb to other people's influence).

The child cannot be punished in the following cases:

while eating;
during the illness;
after or before bedtime;
when the child is very keen on independent play;
when the child wanted to please or help you, but accidentally ruined something;
CATEGORALLY it is not necessary to punish the child in front of strangers.

Be logical, consistent in your behavior, when you punish the child, it should not change depending on your mood. The child must clearly understand that if he commits this offense, he will be punished. If you got away with the wrong behavior today because you are in a good mood and you don’t want to spoil it, be prepared for him to do it again tomorrow. But if this time you punish him, he will either not understand what happened, why you are doing it, or he will draw the wrong conclusions. That is why children often do not admit their deeds, waiting for an opportunity when you will be in a good mood in order to avoid punishment. You shouldn't teach your kids to lie to you.

We read materials on the topic of punishment:
To punish or not punish a child for accidental misconduct - https://razvitie-krohi.ru/psihologiya-detey/nakazyivat-ili-net-rebenka-za-sluchaynyie-prostupki.html
8 loyal ways to punish children. How to properly punish a child for disobedience - https://razvitie-krohi.ru/psihologiya-detey/8-loyalnyih-sposobov-nakazaniya-detey-kak-pravilno-nakazyivat-detey-za-neposlushanie.html
To beat or not beat a child - consequences of physical punishment of children - https://razvitie-krohi.ru/psihologiya-detey/bit-ili-ne-bit-rebenka-posledstviya-fizicheskogo-nakazaniya-detey.html
Why you can't spank a child - 6 reasons - https://razvitie-krohi.ru/psihologiya-detey/pochemu-nelzya-shlepat-rebenka-6-prichin.html
Children's whim or selfishness: how is one different from the other? - https://razvitie-krohi.ru/psihologiya-detey/detskiy-kapriz-ili-egoizm-chem-odno-otlichaetsya-ot-drugogo.html

8 mistakes in parenting

Often, certain mistakes of parents become the reasons for children's disobedience:

Lack of eye contact. When a child is keen (playing or watching cartoons), it is difficult to switch his attention. However, looking into a child's eyes and making a request can do wonders.
You set difficult tasks for the child. You should not ask your child to perform several tasks at once. Thus, he will only get confused and in the end will not do anything. It is advisable to divide your request into simple and small steps.
You are vague in your thoughts.When you see that the child is indulging (throwing toys), do not ask him how long he will still throw his toys! The kid will understand everything literally, so it is better to say, for example, like this: "Stop throwing toys!"
You talk a lot... All requirements should be concise using simple and short sentences. If the child is indulging, one should say, “You cannot do this!” And then try to distract the child.
Don't raise your voice... Shouting will only make the situation worse. The child will continue to play on the sly because of the fear of screaming. Be consistent in your decisions and behave calmly!
You expect a quick response. Children under the age of 6 need time to be aware (in order to hear and fulfill the request) and to complete the task.
You are repeating over and over like a parrot. The child must acquire some skills on his own. And the constant repetition of what he needs to do will turn him into a lack of initiative. Children have a well-developed visual memory, so various reminder pictures will help a lot!
Simultaneous demand and denial. Do not use the “not” particle. Requests with the prefix “not” affect the child on the contrary, because “not” the baby's perception misses. It is best to replace it with alternative phrases. For example: “Don't get into a puddle” to alternative options, for example: “Let's go around this puddle on the grass!”

Stories

The personality of the child, as well as the degree of his obedience, is determined by the parenting style that is practiced in the family:

Authoritarian (active suppression of the will of the child)... It consists in suppressing the child's will, when the child does and thinks only in accordance with the parental wishes. The child is literally "trained"
Democratic... Assumes that the child has the right to vote, as well as his involvement in various activities related to the family. although some things are not discussed, since they are not part of the child's responsibility, the main format of communication between parent and child is not orders, but a meeting.
Mixed... It is characterized by the “carrot and stick” method. parents sometimes tighten the “nuts” and sometimes loosen them. Children adapt to him too, living their carefree life from "whipping" to "whipping".We also read:how to raise children: with a stick or a carrot?

Some of these parenting styles produce the following stories:

1. Too smart

7-year-old Denis is the middle child in the family. Parents are worried about his lack of response to their requests. Hearing problems were suspected, but everything turned out to be normal.Denis is the reason for the untimely sitting of all family members at the table, the crush in the bathroom in the morning, as well as the brothers and sisters being late for school. Even if you speak sternly and loudly, he can calmly do his own thing. Authorities have no effect on him. Never saw strong emotions, no fear, no joy on his face. His parents began to suspect that he had serious internal disorders associated with mental and neurological problems.

According to the results of the examinations, it was revealed that Denis has a sufficiently high and lively intellect. He carried on conversations with enthusiasm, told that chess is his favorite game, gladly and sensibly told that he had recently read. The conversation lasted more than two hours, during which Denis was not only not tired, but his interest in everything that was happening was growing. Disobedience was the result of high brain activity and a focus on the internal solution of more complex problems. Denis's parents were upset because their only desire was "So that he listens and, together with other children, fulfill my requests."

Specialist comment: Children with high intelligence are simply bored with their routine. They can pore for hours on a difficult task, one that parents are not always able to handle. Objectively, they seek to occupy a “special” position, which annoys family members and contradicts the principle of equality. They do not respond to an increase in tone if they see that the situation is not worth the nerves, and the parents are simply trying to “press”.

2. Too small

Lena is a 3-year-old girl, whose parents suspect that their daughter does not understand well, because when she tries to explain what and how to do, she does not understand anything. But she always knows a clear sequence of actions when dressing and undressing. When the psychologist heard the long, multi-step instruction, she exclaimed: "Stop! How can a baby remember all this? She does not understand at all why you are telling her this, if you just need to do everything that is needed with her. Step by step!"

Specialist comment: The kid may not listen, that is, not fulfill the requirements, simply because they are not able to remember and understand the instructions. Before the age of 6, it is better to show how to do what, and you need to practice with your child. Children have not yet formed voluntary attention and verbal memory, but they remember the sequence of operations.
Addressing the child should be consistent with his level of understanding and confidence. Do not shout across the room, he may simply not understand that it is he who is being asked for something. Do not use pressure "Why haven't you done it yet?"... Do you really think that the child will sit on the chair and explain to you why it is difficult for him to understand and fulfill certain requests?

3. Too obedient

7-year-old Olya has always been admired by neighboring old women and acquaintances women, amazed at her obedience and laconicism. But the parents are concerned that it is never clear what the girl thinks about, what she wants. If you ask her about something, she will do it in silence. Never squeaks. Mom had never heard her loud, bursting laughter, except perhaps up to a year and a half ... It was also surprising that even injustice from adults did not cause resistance or disagreement. The neighbor is jealous: "A miracle, not a child!"... And mom is not at ease: “She is somehow unhappy growing. As if I had come to terms with everything in advance ... " The child psychologist concluded that there is cause for concern, but there are ways to “revive” the child.

Comment: A child with suppressed emotions requires rehabilitation. He needs to be reminded how to experience these emotions, how to be happy, angry, surprised. For this you need:
So that adults do not go home frowning and tense, as if waiting for the end of the world. If a child does not see how adults laugh, how to learn it? After all, the child simply copies the first reactions from adults;
There should be a loyal attitude towards child noise. Children never think about evil, they just do not succeed. If family members from all sides extinguish the manifestation of feelings in a child, how can he resist a group of adults?
There should be no taboo on the expression of negative emotions - anger, resentment, irritation, crying ... Under certain circumstances, this is absolutely adequate behavior. There are even comic games for the development of negative expression: the child is dressed up in the costume of a negative character, and on his behalf he can behave arbitrarily unbridled. If you join, the child will be completely freed from the fear of punishment. There is also a game of funny “name-calling”: all the participants in a circle throw the ball, inventing unusual names for the one to whom the ball flies: “You are cabbage! You are a hat! You are a brick! ”. This is a game of psychological rapprochement. After all, if in the presence of another person we can show strong negative emotions, it means that we are not indifferent to him.

Parents' experience
Below is the experience of parents and child psychologists on how to act for a mother if the child does not obey her:
Velta, son 2 years old:
“If my son ignores my prohibitions, I take him by the hand and put him on a chair, where I strictly explain the reasons for the prohibition. Sometimes he breaks something. Then I ask him to apologize to the broken thing and feel sorry for it. When it gets very noisy, I use a mysterious voice, which I say that "silence is needed." At the same time, I put my finger to his lips. And if the little boy runs away, he sounds strict: "Red light!"
By the way, my son loves trains very much, and if he doesn't want to do something, I say that the drivers always do it. Works flawlessly 🙂
Maria, daughter is 4 years old:
“When my daughter doesn't want to go somewhere, and I have time left, we just stop. Soon she gets tired of just standing and moves on. And if I don't have time, then I explain what the delay is fraught with. “We won't have time to come home on time, so there won't be time for a fairy tale.” If it’s an extreme case, and if I’ve already gotten angry, I’m a human too, I can shout, I remind you of the corner in which we stood a couple of times. After that, it is just a reminder. "
Elena, daughter is 3 years old
“I try to reconsider the situation, that is, I ask myself the question:“ Is it so important at this very moment, this is exactly what to get from the child? ” When I understand that everything is relative and internally I stop being angry. The daughter immediately feels that there is nothing to resist, that she is free to choose. And, as if by magic, immediately decides to do what was asked.
If I see that she is just playing “I don’t want to,” I also play: “Do you want to get dressed? Then there will be a funny naked girl, but on the street naked is very uncomfortable. "
When I myself am not balanced, I keep requests and demands to a minimum, because then the baby is also out of sorts. "
Psychological advice
Also, do not ignore the recommendations of specialists / psychologists:
Alfiya Rakhmanova, psychotherapist, member of the Dance Movement Therapy Association, mother:
“Children’s disobedience is quite normal. So the child trains his own: will, perseverance, the ability to defend personal interests. It's important to play with children! Enhanced imagination and lively, genuine emotions are very beneficial for children. ”
Evgeny Smolensky, child and family psychologist, dad:
“For the baby to hear you, you need to talk to him at the same level (squat down), look into the eyes, hold his hand. Strong hugs and kisses also help - a rare child will not respond to the caresses of their parents.
If a child falls to the ground crying, do not try to exhort him and appeal to his conscience. It is best to give the opportunity to lie around. The parent's task is not to go far, to stand, be silent and wait. After a while, seeing that the roar is not working, the child will rise by himself, and you will have the opportunity to discuss everything that happened with him. ”
Valentina Tyurina, teacher-psychologist of the "Scientific Cat" center:
“There must be a clear distinction between what is permitted and what is prohibited. Moreover, the main prohibitions should not be changed (what can and cannot be prohibited to the child). Then, outline what the consequences of disobedience will be, and follow through. Introduce a reward system for good behavior. And also think about the reasons for bad behavior: does he have any problems (in kindergarten, school, with health). "
Anna Pugacheva, child psychologist, mother
“See if there is any disagreement in the family. For example, mom allows you to play in the sandbox, but dad forbids. Mom says that you need to cross the road at a green light, and then she switches to a red one. In such cases, the child does not understand who to listen to, whose opinion to rely on. "
How to deal with a naughty child is a family story. What should parents do when a baby of 1.5 years old does not obey them and is there anything to do at all? - https://razvitie-krohi.ru/psihologiya-detey/kak-obshhatsya-s-neposlushnyim-rebyonkom-istoriya-odnoy-semi.html

Psychologist's advice to parents. Why doesn't the child obey

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