Author: Marina Romanenko
Hello everyone, today we are going to talk about five mistakes that almost every parent has made in their life.
And you know, this article is not to scold someone or to make everyone feel guilty, because we all made at least one mistake. Each. This article is for those who want to know about them, so as not to commit them in the future.
Mistake 1: scolding children
We don't even notice how we do it. But it is so accepted in the culture around us that we either brown, or scold, or grumble at our children. And nothing changes: from year to year the situation is only getting worse. The list is growing for what we can scold our child.
Some shout, some do it very politely and tediously, as I recently saw in the store.
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Why do we scold children ?! - For the fact that they bite their nails, for the fact that they walk unevenly, (you know, I know parents who have a clubfoot child, and they always jerk him about to put his feet correctly. We scold that they do not have done their homework. We scold for not washing the dishes. We scold children just like that because they make noise or run or shout.
So ask yourself the question - "When I scold my child or want to scold him, will it change his behavior for the better or not?"
Believe me, as long as humanity exists, so many children are scolded. And nothing changes, so this method does not work. What can we do as parents ?!
- The first - there are many things for which you definitely shouldn't be scolded at all. For example, because he runs, claps his hands, talks loudly, he is what he is. You can just ask if you need to be quiet.
- Second - it happens that children bite their nails, and you are already on edge, you - “How much can you ?! Are you biting your nails again ?! " Just tell the child, "Put your hands in your pocket." And at that moment a miracle will happen. He'll put them in his pocket quickly. He will stop gnawing them, and you will lose what you need to scold him for. Reorient their behavior, just give them the right command what to do, and you will see that in a very short time, in general, the need to scold will disappear, because these conflict situations will go away, and you will interact very constructively every day.
Mistake 2: ignore children
We, straight, live in a world in which everyone ignores each other and thinks that this is normal. We don't like it, but we grew up in such a culture and we continue to broadcast it. Moreover, I have read many books for parents, where it says - if your child burst into tears, fell on the floor, in no case do not react to it, we read - ignore your child. Because if you react to him, he will like to continue to fall further and demand something like that.
I will give examples of ignoring. This is when we are standing, chatting with a friend or doing some important thing, and our child runs, pulls our skirt and says - "Mom, mom, and I am there this is." And he has to pull us five or seven times so that we deviate to him and respond something. Why not answer the first time ?! Believe me, he would not have pulled seven times, we would not be annoyed.
And then we are surprised when we tell the child to do something, but he does not hear us, this is not because he does not hear us, but because this is normal in the culture in which he grew up to this day. When there are five, seven, ten calls before raising their voice, the children also cry so that we pay attention to them, and only then a response occurs.
Therefore, in order to have a good relationship with children, very constructive, very quick, so that you hear the first time, and you are heard the first time, you just need to start hearing the child and quickly react to him every day, from birth.
He burst into tears, and you were right there, took him in your arms and figured out what he was crying there. He called you, and you, even being in the next room, say - “I hear you. I'll be back in a minute. " Do not be silent, thinking that it will not be long, that you will now reach him, because during this time he will call you five more times. And so this moment begins when we seek attention from others in destructive ways: screaming, crying, scandal, raising our voice, endless repetition.
If he asks you something, and you are busy, just hug him at this moment in time and as soon as you can pay attention, pay attention. But already by hugging him you show that I am very busy, but I see you, you mean to me, you are important to me, and I react to you.
Believe me, children are ready at this moment to stand with you and wait until you are free. And communication begins to be completely different every day. Be very sensitive parents and be responsive to every request or movement of your child.
Believe me, this may seem like a lot of costs, but in fact it will reduce your costs in the future to a minimum, because you will grow up as a child who will hear you, see you, react to you the first time, because you were this carrier. culture that taught him this. And your relationship will be great.
Mistake 3: rushing the kids
Another common mistake parents make is when they rush their children.
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For example, you are going to school and you know that your child is slowly getting ready, that he needs to be told to brush his teeth five times. You come and find him putting on one more sock, you say - "I'm in a hurry", and he is like - "I'm putting on a sock." And in general, as they say, video and audio do not match. And at this moment, the parent realizes that there is very little time left before the exit, he begins to rush his child, he moves even more slowly, as a result - a scandal in the house, a spoiled mood, a spoiled relationship.
What I mean is, sometimes, in order not to rush your children and to be constructive, you need to stop feeling sorry for them. To love, but not to regret. Wake them up half an hour early, knowing they are dressing slowly, but don't rush them. When you rush him, his nervous system becomes stressed, and he starts to slow down, which even more annoys us as parents, and we even more often remind him to rush somewhere, and he does it even more slowly.
Believe me, this is not out of malice. The nervous system begins to work in emergency mode, and he does not notice that his movements, transitions somewhere and actions, are slower than always. Young children grow up, their brains are formed, and when we constantly keep them in this state of stress, they grow up distracted, unable to concentrate, unable to complete the task. As a result, unsure of themselves, with low self-esteem and with the fact that he thinks that something is wrong with him, all people are like people, and I am the only one here, “my hands have grown from the wrong place”.
And all this is simply caused by our habit of rushing. So time it right. Drink coffee, think well of your children. Use timers so that it goes from one process to another process.
You know, this method still works for young children - if quickly, (it takes 3 minutes or less), draw a table of actions that he should do in the morning, and he runs, crosses out the one that he has already completed. Brushing your teeth, making the bed, grabbing a bag, having breakfast, checking things is also a pleasure, and you transfer it from process to process.
But remember that his speed will still be lower than yours, so do not rush. Build the process correctly.
When you stop rushing your children, you will see that a good mood every day when you leave the house is provided not only for you, your child, but also for everyone around you.
Mistake 4: persuading to eat
The fourth mistake that every parent on planet Earth has made at least once in their life is trying to persuade their child to eat. And some make this mistake every day several times with enviable regularity.
It is important, of course, that the child should eat, but the key concept is that he should eat only when he is hungry.
You need to understand that we grew up in a country in which some generations have experienced hunger, and we are genetically inherent in the desire to feed in order to save life. But modern children, in the abundance of food that is around, are never hungry. They just don't even know this feeling when they “suck in the spoon” because they want to eat.
So just plan how you will feed your baby and what. And remove all snacks. Snacks include compote, cookies, fruits, everything with sugar, juices. These are all snacks. Either select them as a separate meal, and consider them a full-fledged, complete meal, or remove them so that it doesn't even happen. Because when it gets into the stomach, the body malfunctions, it does not want to eat, and when you feed the baby on time, of course, he will say that he does not want to.
It is important to give your child a chance to get hungry. Here's to make him want to eat. Then you will never have problems. I can directly hear many parents say now - “Yes, if you don’t persuade mine, he will not eat for a day, even two.” I say - "I believe, of course, will not." Because he cannot identify this feeling of hunger. He does not even know what it is, and what it is, “what I want to eat”. But then he realizes this and will shake your soul out of you so that you feed him, or he will open the refrigerator himself, climb in and eat.
Why do you need to feed your baby correctly ?! That's right - this is without gadgets. Without "for dad", "for mom", there, for concerts, children are sometimes shown puppet shows to persuade them to eat.
Pull yourself together. Believe me, a person will never be hungry. Only feed your children when they are hungry. Dads are good at working with this. They feed the children when they want to eat themselves, or when the children are already among them - "Dad, Dad, let's eat something already."
I have never seen a dad who persuade children to eat, but I saw an "army" of moms who persuade children to eat. Pull yourself together. Feed when hungry, and remember how the brain works and why it is helpful for the baby to be aware of what he has eaten. Not in a coma, not through a gadget. This is extremely important. And you will be that happy parent who will say - "My child always eats and eats great, and with great pleasure."
Mistake 5: overprotecting children
It seems to us that they are cold. It seems to us that they are hot. We think they are hungry. It seems to us that they themselves cannot tie their shoelaces at age five or button up their jacket. And it takes energy away from our children.
For various reasons, we are engaged in overprotection: someone has one child, and he cowards over him, not realizing that our main task is to teach, not to do for him, but to teach so that he can do it all himself, and who - there is no time, and it is easier for him to fasten the child's shoes, jacket, put a backpack on his back and put him in the car, it will be faster.
These are different reasons, but the effect is always the same. Children grow up infantile, who are a lot of simple things that happen in everyday life around them, they think that they should not do it, but someone else.
But then you and I, dear parents, need to raise a staff of service personnel for our children. We want our children to grow up strong, self-confident, then they must learn to overcome difficulties. They may or may not receive. They have to learn how to do this, so a person gets stronger, he does not become strong at 30. It is formed every day, overcoming small difficulties every day.
Teach them self-service. Teach them self-control. Excessive control from the outside kills internal self-control. There will come a time when you cannot be with them all day. This is when they go to kindergarten, and then go to school, and you, as parents, must be sure that your child will have enough inner strength to say “no” to someone, to some offer - “Let's go jumping from the second floor ? ". He says - "No, of course."
This is possible only when he grows up as an independent person. We do not directly notice how we control them, like robots, and they stop in them, and they lose this property of making their own choice.
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I know of such children and not one, not two, but not three, unfortunately. Take two steps back and give him the opportunity to at least think about this, there some activity in the brain will begin to occur. Directiveness kills independence. And at the beginning it touches, we have obedient children who do whatever we want, and then it scares us, because they cannot take a step on their own in this life. Their ability to make decisions is atrophied. You just need to give a task, but let him choose the way he will do it. And if a child asks you and you say - “Listen, well, figure it out somehow. Come and tell me how you did it. " This is what will teach your child to make independent decisions, make mistakes, and then get out of these mistakes, but achieve results.
And they will never grow up infantile in that case. They will grow up to be responsible, independent, thinking people with an inner core. This is what you need to strive for, and I wish you to succeed in this. Of course, this will not allow us to protect ourselves from mistakes, but it will allow us to think about what kind of mistakes we make every day.
Marina Romanenko is a psychologist, founder of the “Academy of Professional Parenting”, business coach and mother of four (for two with her husband) children:
