I didn't recognize my nine month old son! In the arms of a friend who came to visit, he twisted, whimpered, looked around in despair. Gritting my teeth, I endured, but I decided to prepare for the next visit of the guests.
My nine-month-old son in the arms of an old friend was acting very strange. I just didn’t recognize my baby: he was trying to escape, crying, looking around in search of help. I restrained myself and did nothing. But for the next visit of friends, I decided to prepare well in advance.
The point of view of psychologists
I came across a wonderful book by Lyudmila Petranovskaya called "Secret Support". After reading it, I realized that my child had a 1 year crisis. Already at 8-10 months, the baby can distinguish between "friends" and "strangers" and is very attached to her mother. Strong attachment to the mother leads to the fact that in the arms of a stranger, the baby begins to whimper and be capricious, demanding that he be returned to his usual “comfort zone”.
In the book, I found a few more interesting points: it turns out that older children can be simply unpleasant for adults (for example, because of the pungent smell of perfume or prickly stubble). Janusz Korczak wrote the following lines about this:
"These their affectionate words, stroking, cuddling and patting, this familiarity ... Embarrassed, the child is waiting for it to end."
And then I thought ... doubts crept into my head ...
Could it be my jealousy?
Someone dares to take my beloved, dear, tender, so long-awaited child in their arms! What if my maternal instinct, a sense of ownership and a hyper desire to take care of my child are triggered in me? Perhaps this is happening against my will?
I looked at the situation again. Was the child's behavior strange, or did it seem to me? After all, psychologists argue that if a child does not yell, is calm, smiles, observes what is happening around with curiosity, then there should be no reason for panic and the mother winds herself up in vain. But in this case, the baby really seemed to be replaced: he screamed and tried to escape from the hands of my friend. Therefore, I decided to develop my own action plan for the next visit of the guests.
What about the baby?
If the child is slightly naughty, it is enough just to be near him. The calmness of the mother, as a rule, is quickly transmitted to the baby: “If my mother gave me to her aunt, it means that she trusts her, and that means you don't have to worry”.
If you see that the baby is close to hysterics, take him in your arms, try to calm him down - it takes a little time for a little man to get used to strangers. I heard that some children get used to the “new company” in half an hour and change from “anger to mercy”.
IMPORTANT! The most important thought that I learned: under no circumstances should you laugh, scold a child and forcefully place him in the center of attention. Thus, you show the baby that he is leaving the safety zone.Coercion into contact with someone else's adult is a violation of the safety program inherent in the baby's head.
What do you need to tell guests?
When guests came to our house again, I informed them in advance that we rarely have guests and the child has not yet got used to new faces, so he can be capricious. I promised that I would let each of them talk to the baby, but first I would hold the child in my arms for a while so that he could get used to it.
I also warned my friends about one more very important point: my child is independent and when he is busy with something of his own (for example, a game), at this moment he does not need to be pestered with conversations and taken in his arms. If strangers abruptly interrupt his favorite game, he will definitely throw a tantrum.
Circle of trust
I memorized several recommendations of Petranovskaya, how to make it easy to enter the circle of the baby's trust. What do we have to do:
- wave a bright toy to the child, smile at him, talk to mom;
- if the baby showed interest and looked at you, be sure to be friendly, look into your eyes and say something affectionate;
- when the child has a smile on his face, stretch out your hands to him - if he reacts and reaches out to you, you can safely take him.
My guests listened to my advice with understanding, reacted to my requests with a smile and understanding, and thanks to them quickly made friends with the child. My son was in a good mood all evening, laughed, talked to everyone and was not nervous. Everyone was happy and the evening went just fine!
Benefit
After the first experience of communicating with strangers, when communication with my baby was traumatic, it had a negative effect on the baby: his sleep was disturbed, he slept very badly and was in my arms all the time. But after the second visit of the guests, the baby made a leap in development: he began to actively crawl on all fours, remembered the names of objects and even built his first turret of cubes.
I concluded that many parents, wishing to preserve the psychological comfort of their child, do not invite guests to their house for almost a year. I think this is bad: the baby should know that in addition to mom and dad, there are many people in the world who do not need to be afraid and need to be in contact with them. But I am primarily responsible for the behavior of the guests myself ...
