Many moms struggle to control their emotions. They come to a psychologist with complaints that they can no longer tolerate the antics of children, they can not stand it and start screaming. Moms feel guilty, promise themselves to be balanced, but sooner or later they break down again and react very emotionally. Psychologist Lyudmila Semyonova agreed to tell why mothers yell at their children.
- Mom screams when she's tired
As a practicing psychologist, I noticed that crying breakdowns often happen when my mother is tired. Communication with children and homework is very tiring, and not only physically. Psychological fatigue is especially dangerous.
A good mom has many responsibilities. She must take care of healthy nutrition, beautiful and clean clothes for the baby, and the lessons learned on time. Mom sets too high demands on herself and her duties and is overworked. She is oppressed by all these "must".
I want to explain with an example. Vanya's mother Tatiana came to me for help. 10-year-old Vanya is very lazy. The boy does not make his bed, does not wash the dishes, and does not even put them in the sink. He does not hang clothes in the closet, but throws it at random. Tatiana calmly explains to her son every day that the plate needs to be washed, the clothes should be carefully hung. But tomorrow everything repeats itself. Is it possible not to get angry and not scream if you constantly have to clean up after your son and finish everything for him?
What do you need to do? You need to stop doing his work for the child. You don’t have to make the bed of a ten-year-old boy, you don’t have to wash the dishes for him. All this Vanya can and must do himself. Another thing, he really does not want to, laziness. If you do everything for Vanya, he will never change. Your responsibility is not to control whether Vanya did what he should do well. You need to help Vanya want to change.
I advised Vanya's mother to be patient a little and not interfere with Vanya's affairs: not to hang clothes in the closet, not to wash his plate. The very next day Vanya realized that his jacket and trousers were hopelessly crumpled, but he wanted to look neat! In the morning he still had to wash the plate, because there was nothing to eat. Teachers increasingly scolded Vanya for his unkempt appearance, classmates began to laugh at him. Vanya decided to fulfill his duties. Not everything worked out for him, often laziness overcame the desire to be a neat, good boy. But Tatiana waited patiently and did not remind of the suit, of the plates. Vanya's struggle with himself lasted about a month. But with his mother's help he won over his laziness.
- Mom screams when she gets mad at someone else
Not always the reason for the mother's cry is the disobedience of the child. Sometimes a child's disobedience is only an excuse for a surge of aggression and dissatisfaction. If mom is angry with dad, unhappy with him, then she can start screaming over any trifle.
I'll tell you about a case from my practice. Veronica, the mother of five-year-old Margarita, came to the appointment. The girl is usually obedient and balanced, trying to fulfill all her mother's requests. But Veronica still often finds fault with her because of trifles. It turned out that Veronica and her husband and daughter live in the same apartment with her mother-in-law. The family does not have the opportunity to live separately, and relations between women do not develop. Veronica is tired of her mother-in-law's endless nagging, she is often annoyed, but breaks down on her daughter, instead of improving relations with her mother-in-law. Veronica is angry with her mother-in-law, and scolds her daughter, although she did nothing wrong.
- Mom screams when she feels guilty
It seems counterintuitive, because a guilty person should not be aggressive. But often the guilt provokes a cry, which is a defensive reaction of the mother.
Here is an illustrative example from my practice. Evgenia, the mother of thirteen-year-old Lily, turned to me for advice. The girl dreamed of going to a sports camp during the summer holidays. Mom was categorically against the trip, her anxiety did not leave her. Evgenia was one of those mothers who all the time worry about the health of children, their safety and just think: "I'm a bad mother." In the end, Evgenia succumbed to her daughter's requests. In the camp, Lilya broke her arm. Evgenia considered herself to be guilty of what had happened. She began to take care of her daughter even more, tried not to let her go anywhere, and for any reason she was angry and shouted. Evgenia thought that she was a bad mother, since she could not save her daughter's health. As soon as she realized that the situation was getting out of control, that she, as a mother, could not help, she began to get angry. Lily's mom did not understand that she was angry because she felt guilty and helpless in this situation.
- Mom screams when she cannot be realized in other areas of life
It is not enough for a woman to be a good mother. She is so arranged that she wants to achieve a lot in her profession, in personal relationships, but you never know in what else. If the mother only deals with the child, she feels that the baby is limiting her. After all, she is a good mother, and there are many prejudices, which a good mother should not do (she should not hire a nanny for a child, should not send a baby to kindergarten before three years, should not leave him crying in a crib ...)
This is a typical situation in the life of many young mothers. Sveta gave birth to her daughter Julia at the age of 18. Now Yulia is already 5, but Sveta still cannot graduate from the institute and get the desired profession. She tried several times to send Yulia to kindergarten, but the girl is sick so often that the doctors advised to keep her at home until school. The family does not have the opportunity to hire a nanny, there are no grandparents nearby. So Sveta has to sit at home with Yulia all the time. Mom understands that her daughter is not to blame for anything, but she gets annoyed, shouts at Julia over trifles. Sveta perceives Julia as an obstacle limiting her freedom. The girl does not want to be a "bad mom", but she does not have the strength to be "good".
There are other reasons why mothers yell at their beloved and desired children. If this happens often, if you do not have the strength to endure the pranks of the child, if you break loose and get annoyed, look for the reason. Why are you really angry? Are you tired, afraid for your child or feeling guilty? Or maybe it seems to you that you are wrong?
10 tips to stop yelling at your children - https://razvitie-krohi.ru/psihologiya-detey/kak-perestat-krichat-na-svoih-detey.html
Do not forget the main thing: you are a good mom. We all make mistakes, get annoyed, and vent our anger at others. You can't always behave right. But you want to be good, worry about your baby's happiness and love him. You just need to think about what can be changed for the better in your relationship with your child. And always love him!
How not to yell at a child:
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