Sooner or later, any family is faced with disagreements in the process of raising children. The reasons for the disagreement on certain parenting issues are rooted in their families, as well as in the characters of the husband and wife. It is very important for spouses to be able to come to an agreement and work out uniform requirements for the child. This will help the baby to form clear moral principles and beliefs. How to overcome disagreements and learn to cooperate? This will be discussed.
It seems that just recently you brought your baby from the hospital. And now he is not at all a baby, but a fully formed man with his desires and feelings. There comes a time when the child begins to show disobedience, demonstrate stubbornness and even throw tantrums!
During this period, many parents face a serious problem. And it’s not even how to react to children's misconduct. Mom and dad, the main educators, have views on parenting methods that may not coincide, or even radically differ. Often in the family because of this, real conflicts even flare up.
Why is parenting unity important?
Let me give you a classic example. Probably, everyone has observed a situation when a child in a store asks to buy some kind of toy, sweets (no matter what), which is not included in the parental plans. How do parents react to this?
- Someone (more often mothers) are trying to calm the little one down, switch his attention, and leave the store as soon as possible;
- Others (usually dads) are ready to buy anything, just to stop the tantrum and screams of the child;
- Still others (also larger than dad) menacingly knit their eyebrows and in a stern voice reprimand the baby that such behavior is unacceptable. Perhaps a severe punishment awaits the child at home.
The situation can become even more tense if mom and dad choose different tactics. I'll tell you a secret: often children's tantrums in the store are caused by the fact that the baby has already received what he wants from one of the parents. Therefore, he sincerely does not understand why the next time they do not buy him the cherished thing.
What is the danger for a child of disagreements between parents?
When the family does not have uniform requirements for the child, this will certainly affect his inner world. When one permits, and the other scolds for it, the baby does not form clear concepts of what is good and bad, what is possible and what is not.
This can cause increased anxiety, because the child is constantly in uncertainty and expectation - he will be punished or praised for a specific act. Or, conversely, the baby learns to cheat and manipulate. Dad punished for the offense - mom will regret and will do what she wants.
It is especially sad when contradictions between adults turn into open confrontation. The child becomes a hostage to parental conflicts. He wants to be good for everyone, which is impossible. Therefore, the baby cannot choose a single line of behavior, form his own moral principles. It can also cause health problems: fears, neuroses, depression.
What is the reason for the disagreement between the parents?
There can be many reasons for parenting disagreements between parents. Here are the 2 main ones:
- Differences in parenting styles of families in which mom and dad grew up. Many of us project the methods that we saw in the parental family onto our own children.
- Differences in the characters of the parents... For example, a tough, strong-willed, energetic father is inclined to fall into anger if the child is guilty of something. And mom, by nature, soft and kind, seeks to forgive everything to the baby, indulge in whims.
Such reasons inevitably cause differences in views on the upbringing of offspring. They cannot be eliminated, because these are personal characteristics of a husband and wife, and there is no getting away from this. But it is very important, and sometimes necessary for the good of the child and the family, to be able to coordinate their points of view. To agree is not to force the spouse to share his opinion, but to listen and understand the point of view of the other. And only taking into account two opinions, develop a single line of education.
Learning to negotiate
What if parents have different views on raising their own child? You need to learn to negotiate. How to do it?
- Speak, discuss different opinions in a timely manner, not accumulating. After all, without talking heart to heart, it is difficult to come to an agreement.
- Use neutral time for discussion... Neutral time is 10-15 minutes of conversation, when no one is in a hurry, both parents are in a balanced state, not inflated by mutual claims.
- If you are very agitated, annoyed - ohdelay the conversation until you are ready to listen to each other calmly.
- Always remember: if the husband (wife) has a different point of view, he does not act in spite of you. Just he is a different person, with his own principles and beliefs.
- Close people do not always have to think the same way, but they are very learning to respect and accept your spouse's opinion is helpful.
- Never sort things out in the presence of a child, thereby you undermine parental authority in his eyes. It is very important for him to know that mom and dad are one team.
- Don't blame your spouse "Here, admire your upbringing." This creates feelings of guilt and self-defense. Well, the best defense is offense.
- Don't involve third parties in your controversy - grandmothers, grandfathers, girlfriends. By doing this, you will only aggravate the situation.
- Don't let one of the parents (more often dad) removed from the upbringing process (how to involve a husband in raising a child). A child needs both parents, and even in caring for a baby, a father must have responsibilities.
No family can do without the ability to negotiate: they have to coordinate their opinions constantly. It is important that this is done in an atmosphere of cooperation and mutual respect. Seeing this, the child will feel a reliable rear, learn to understand by your example. And tantrums and whims will remain in the past.
