Do you want your children to sleep peacefully all night, know how to behave at a party and at the table, let their parents be alone? Sometimes it seems like an unattainable dream. However, this is how children behave in French families. American Pamela Druckerman told about their secrets in her book “French Children Don't Spit Food. Secrets of Education from Paris. " Whether they will take root in your family is up to you!
1. Wait!
The French believe: children, even the smallest, should understand that their desires are not always fulfilled on demand. When the baby cried in the crib, French mothers are in no hurry to approach him this very minute. Withstanding a certain pause (at least a minute or two), they give him time to calm down himself.
Babies may wake up simply because their sleep phases change. If at this moment they are taken on pens, this is perceived as an invitation to chat and play, and they will learn to fall asleep on their own for a long time. If the child does not calm down, a pause helps the mother more accurately determine the reason for his cry: is he hungry, or raw, or his tummy is worried. Of course, you cannot bring the kid to hysterics.
Thanks to this tactic, French children quickly get used to sleep soundly all night. This is facilitated by the fact that children sleep in their parents' room until they are only three months old, and then they are laid in a separate room with the lights off, because the night should be associated with the dark time of the day.
The words "Wait!", "Wait!" French people talk to their children in other situations: at the dinner table, on a walk, while talking with a friend, on a visit. Thus, the child is given a pause to independently solve his problem and the ability to wait and endure is instilled. These qualities are necessary for a well-mannered person, French mothers believe, and they need to be brought up literally from the cradle.
When a child doesn't get what they want right now, they learn to deal with frustration. This is necessary in order to learn how to be happy. The words "Wait", "Wait" help children understand that there are other people in the world with their own desires and needs.
2. Magic words
We teach children from childhood to say "magic words": "thank you", "please." For French children, the same mandatory words are "hello" and "goodbye". Perhaps even more attention is paid to them in the process of education.
After all, it can be difficult for young children to say "hello" when meeting with strangers. They are shy, stubborn, silent even at the requests of their parents. And this is understandable: the child says “thank you” for the fact that someone has done something pleasant for him, and “please” - when he asks for something. That is, these words are used as a request or gratitude. Whereas greeting and goodbye from the point of view of a child seems to be useless.
But French mothers believe that what the child says “hello” and “goodbye” is an indicator of his good manners. Having overcome his shyness or stubbornness, the baby, as it were, stands on the same step with adults. This is a sign that he accepts the laws adopted in the adult world and will be able to behave in a civilized manner.
Allowing the toddler to neglect the simplest rule of decency, adults seem to give the go-ahead for violation of other rules. Therefore, if a baby comes into your house and does not say hello, be prepared for the fact that he will soon start walking on his head, demanding pasta without sauce and biting the feet of guests under the table.
The author writes: “By allowing the little one to enter my house without greeting, I thereby set off a chain reaction: soon he will jump on my couch, refuse to eat anything other than pasta without sauce, and bite my feet under the table at dinner. It is enough to give the go-ahead for non-observance of one single rule of a civilized society, as a child and everyone around will quickly realize that it is not necessary to observe other rules; moreover, they will decide that the children are incapable of following these rules. A simple "hello" for the child and those around him means that he can behave in a civilized manner. So, this "magic word" sets the tone for communication between children and adults "... It is difficult to disagree with these words.
3. Here I decide!
The French manage to establish a clear hierarchy in the relationship between parents and children. In their families, there is no power sharing with children. Parents first, then children. If the child forgets about it, you can hear the phrase “I decide here!”, Or a more harsh version “I am in command here!”.
Establishing a framework for what is permissible requires a lot of patience and strength, but this will be better for both parents and children. When a "king child" grows up in a family, life for parents can become unbearable. The system of restrictions and rules is necessary for the children themselves, according to French moms and dads. Babies have too many desires, their behavior is subject to impulses. Unquestioned parental authority helps them to curb their own needs, to learn self-control.
Such a system is built due to the fact that they constantly talk about the rules and boundaries of behavior with children. They are told what can and cannot be done, and exactly why not. And this happens in a very polite manner.
When talking with children, parents often use the phrase “you have / don't have the right”. Already at the semantic level, the child understands that there is a system of norms of behavior for adults and children, one of which he is currently violating. And if he does not have the right to do this, then he has the right to something else.
Another expression that French mothers use is "I don't approve." Saying this instead of the usual “No!”, “No!”, They emphasize that the parents have their own opinion, with which the child must be considered. This phrase and the baby recognizes the right to their own opinion. Unapproved behavior is his deliberate choice, but he can choose another option.
However, within the permissible framework, children are given complete freedom. They can play around and be naughty, and for this they will not be punished. The French even have words that distinguish between small pranks (petites betises) and bad behavior (mauvais comportement). This is probably why parents rarely have to resort to punishment.
4. Let them live their lives
In France, it is customary to send children from 4 years old to children's camps. The smallest ones usually leave for the village for 7-8 days, where they live, observing nature, in the fresh air. These are called green weeks. Older children leave for camps in any direction: theatrical, astronomical and others.
Thus, children are given independence from their parents, the opportunity to learn to overcome difficulties and rely on their own strength. This is one of the basic principles of French education. Thanks to such trips, kids learn independence, including emotionally, self-esteem and self-confidence are formed.
This also reflects the desire to protect their children. French parents understand that it is impossible to foresee everything. Therefore, it is very important to teach the child independence as early as possible, ensuring the necessary safety.
The French approach to parenting recognizes the child's need for freedom. According to psychologists, it is necessary to leave him alone, so that he himself figure out how to act in a given situation. Having more and more freedom every day, the baby gains personal experience, learns to communicate with peers, to feel confident in the world.
5. Adult time
French families are built on the firm belief that the relationship between mom and dad is the main thing in marriage. French mothers say that we do not choose children, but we choose a husband. Therefore, you need to build relationships with your spouse, constantly nourish the passion that glimmers in everyone.
There is such a concept - "adult time". It comes at eight or eight thirty in the evening, when the children are sent to their rooms. They may not go to bed right away, they are allowed to play quietly there. Adults can calmly rest, go about their business, be alone with each other. In some families, children are not allowed even in the morning to enter their parents' bedroom without permission.
In addition, many French couples once or twice a month spend their weekends just alone, without children. They arrange a "honey weekend" for themselves: they send their offspring to their relatives, or they themselves leave somewhere. It helps to strengthen the relationship between spouses, relax and miss children. Children, in turn, also benefit from taking a break from their parents. Meeting in a couple of days, the whole family feels renewed and energized.
Much attention is paid to the intimate relationships of spouses. In hospitals, intimate muscle strengthening classes are held, which a gynecologist can refer a woman to shortly after childbirth. Also, the doctor can send you to abdominal training classes if a woman cannot get in shape on her own. This reflects the concern for marital relations at the state level.
In addition, French women are easier to relate to the fact that more worries about children and the house fall on women's shoulders. They take it for granted, and do not nag their husbands that they do not help them much. Men are perceived as a separate species, simply not capable of doing this job as well. Of course, husbands also have their own household duties, which they do to the best of their ability. Thanks to such a worldview, French families quarrel less about everyday issues, and this has a positive effect on the strength of family ties.
6. French kids don't spit food
American Pamela Druckerman was amazed that French children behave very disciplined at the table, and eat almost everything that is offered to them, without whims. How do they do it?
It is recommended to start complementary foods in France with vegetables. Moreover, parents set themselves the goal of revealing to the child the taste of this or that vegetable, colorfully describe it. If the baby doesn't like the taste, you shouldn't insist, but you can't retreat either. You need to wait a while and offer the same vegetable again, trying different cooking options: steaming, grilling, with other vegetables.
By about four months, the nutrition of the crumbs resembles the regime of an adult. That is, the baby eats at about 8, 12, 16 and 20 hours. Moreover, French mothers claim that they are not fed according to the regime. Apparently, they just adjust to the rhythm of the baby.
At an older age, this food intake is maintained. Moreover, in France, "biting" so widespread among children is not practiced. That is, there are practically no snacks between breakfasts, lunches and dinners. Therefore, children sit down at the table and eat with appetite, without scandals and persuasion.
French moms, like any other, are imperfect. They go to work early after the birth of children, give toddlers who have not even reached the age of one to a nursery. They wait for a pause in teaching the child to sleep, in the formation of eating habits. They easily leave children in the care of relatives and educators, going about their business.
And they are too busy to be tormented by guilt. This feeling often haunts mothers, regardless of their nationality. "I am a bad mother" - so many of us think. French women instead say "There are no perfect moms." This saves them from self-flagellation and makes communication with their children more lively, rich and happy.
