Divorce of parents - how to inform the child about it as painlessly as possible in order to prevent serious psychological trauma. Psychologists' advice on what can and cannot be said.
Telling a child that parents are getting divorced is not easy. Perhaps this conversation will become one of the most difficult in your life. Even if adults understand that divorce is inevitable, they constantly quarrel or have already left, children cannot even imagine the breakup of the family. After all, they have lived with you since birth, this is natural for them, and it cannot be otherwise.
Many people think that divorce is a matter of everyday life, everything will work out soon, and the child in a couple of years will forget about what he was told. Psychologists explain that the decisive conversation will be remembered forever. There is no way to make mom and dad divorce painless for a child. There is also no universal method that would allow the child to more easily survive the separation of his parents. You can formulate certain rules of behavior that often help, only they need to be adjusted taking into account the characteristics of the family.
When to tell your child about parental divorce
It is better to inform the child about the impending divorce in 2-3 weeks. By this time, you will already be sure of your decision, and your child will have time to adapt to the changes. Equally important, he will not have the feeling of being left out.
Don't jump into a conversation in a hurry - on the way to school, in the morning when going to work, or in the evening before bed. Choose a day off for the conversation. Then both mom and dad will have the opportunity to calm down the child and answer the questions that he will surely have.
Team up for a conversation with a child
Despite the problems in the relationship, parents should put aside the resentment, reproaches and together calmly tell the child about what is happening. Even if the divorce is an initiative of one of the spouses, tell the child that this is your common decision. Use the pronoun "we" more often when explaining why you are getting a divorce and how you will all live from now on.
Remember now is not the time to get upset and blame each other. This conversation is not for you, but only for the well-being of your child. He must remain confident that the parents are still acting together. Therefore, adults should agree in advance on how to behave during an important conversation.
Talk to all children at once
If you have multiple children, bring them all together for a divorce conversation. If you are afraid that the elder will scare the younger with his reaction (and schoolchildren understand the essence of divorce better than children), talk to each separately. However, be that as it may, both parents should talk to the child at the same time.
Explain simply and concisely
No matter how old the child is, you need to tell him about the divorce honestly and in simple words. Do not use hints, do not blame each other, do not make excuses, and do not remember mutual grievances. Children also have the right to know about what is happening in their family, so calmly explain to them why you are divorcing, do not hide anything. A complex and verbose statement of reasons will only confuse them. You can say, for example, like this: “Your dad and I often quarreled, so we decided that we could no longer live together. This is a difficult decision, but we made it together. It's not your fault, we both love you as before. "
It is important for children to know how their life will change, whether it will remain stable and safe. Be sure to tell them that you will continue to take care of them: help them do their homework, go for a walk, go on vacation together. Explain how often the child will now see the second parent, discuss how birthdays, concerts, and other joint events will be held.
How much detail to talk about the divorce is up to you. In any case, remember that the main thing is to tell your child truthful information. If he begins to worry, express concerns, honestly answer his questions. If you yourself do not yet know something, gently explain that everything will be fine, you will find a way out of this situation.
What else a child needs to know about divorce
- Both parents - mom and dad - will be happier after a divorce.
- Although parents will cease to be each other's husband and wife, for the child they will forever remain a loving mom and dad.
- Grandmothers and grandfathers, aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters will still be relatives, so the relationship with them will remain the same.
- The child will have 2 houses at once, where he will always be welcomed and loved.
- No one is to blame for divorce, it just happens sometimes with adults.
Ideally, you should try to make sure that the child can continue to love each parent without fear of betraying the other. This becomes a challenge for many couples who are getting divorced. However, it is very important to strive for this so as not to cause psychological trauma to the child.
What can't be said
There is no point in denying that divorce is a sad event for the whole family, but it will be good if you manage to maintain good and respectful relations with each other. If one of the parents, during the explanation, begins to lose his temper or in some other way to frighten the child, the second must save the situation. Dad might say, “Mom is very upset, it's hard for all of us. Let's take a break and continue talking later. " Be lenient if your husband or wife is not coping with the situation. You started this difficult conversation for the sake of children who are very difficult.
Psychologists give some more recommendations on what to say and what not to do:
- Since you have decided to tell your child about the divorce, do not give him false hopes that the parents will get back together.
- Do not scold or insult your husband / wife in the presence of children.
- If possible, avoid the phrase “we don’t love each other anymore”, otherwise the child will think that someday you will stop loving him too.
- Do not interfere with the child's relationship with your husband / wife, do not manipulate, forcing him to choose the “bad” and “good” parent. Do not put pressure on the child, forcing him to take your side.
- Protect kids from hard-hitting details - from information about infidelity, money problems. Explain the divorce in general terms without trying to denigrate or portray the spouse as a victim.
- Don't let your kids know about legal matters.
- Do not whip up the child's emotions by constantly reminding them of the divorce, talking about life after it.
- Never ask your child about whom he loves the most.
- Do not use children as intermediaries in your relationship with your husband / wife.
- Do not placate your child with gifts and discipline to make amends for the divorce.
Child reaction
Even if the parents have long soured relations, the children until the last hope that they can make peace and stay together. Therefore, you should not think that it will be possible to prepare the younger family members for divorce in such a way that it will be absolutely painless for them.
Older children can more easily endure the separation of mom and dad than babies. However, even at 20 and 30 years old, people can be very worried about the destruction of the parents' family, so they also need to talk about the upcoming divorce delicately.
If the children are small, you need to take into account their characteristics:
- Children and preschoolers are often baffled by the news of divorce. Because of stress, they often have problems - insomnia, nightmares. Babies sometimes have bedwetting that they haven't had before. It happens that long after a divorce, children get upset and worried when meeting with a parent who no longer lives with them.
- A child of primary school age can fantasize for a long time, dream that parents can one day make peace. Therefore, talk to your child about what is happening and why. He really needs an explanation and your support.
- Older children understand the situation better. They are often more angry than babies and take offense for a long time. Many become very attached to one of the parents and completely take his side.
- Adolescence is a time of dramatic changes in life and the search for one's identity, friends, and the future. During this period, the divorce of parents becomes the collapse of the whole world, although stability and constancy are extremely important right now. Everything else begins to seem to the teenager unreliable, doubtful. Therefore, the separation of mom and dad often inflicts psychological trauma even on an adult child.
Children react to a message about their parents' divorce in different ways, so be prepared for anything: tantrums, tears, and ignoring the situation. Some of them bombard mom and dad with questions. Others are silent and do not show their emotions at all - such children need an incentive to talk frankly with their parents a little later on a sore subject. Don't force this difficult conversation. Try asking a leading question - perhaps the child himself wants to express what he is feeling. Ask what the child thinks about the changes in plans and daily routine after the divorce. Ask your child if he has friends whose parents are divorced and how they live.
Toddlers do not yet know how to clearly express their feelings, thoughts and experiences. Therefore, it is important to gently and naturally bring them to the conversation. To understand what is going on in the soul of the crumbs, observe his mood.
Listen to children, encourage conversations in which they talk about what they think. Sadness from the thought of divorcing their parents is sometimes much stronger than adults imagine. Every child is naturally self-centered, so the prospect of moving to another school or being separated from friends may become his main concern. Be sure to discuss these points.
It takes time to grasp the situation. Therefore, both during and after the decisive conversation, mom and dad need to remain open to communication. It is important to respond to the emotional needs of the child.
If you can't find the right words, don't be afraid to seek help from a good psychologist. He will help you and your children cope with difficulties and learn to see the future in a positive way.
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