Parental prohibitions - benefit and harm: consultation of psychologist Irina Mlodik

Child psychologist Irina Mlodik reports.

Irina Mlodik
Chairman of the Interregional Association of Practicing Psychologists "Just Together", Ph.D. in Psychology, certified gestalt therapist, existential psychotherapist, experienced child psychologist, author of a book on child psychotherapy.

Prohibition, in fact, is a kind of border that we set for a child in order to really protect him, mainly. In order for the child to understand what is allowed, what is not, where to stop.

Oddly enough, prohibitions, despite the fact that they are perceived by children without enthusiasm, very often children react to them with resentment, irritation, anger, indignation, it is important for the child, because it allows, like any border, to calm down, to understand that there is who something big and grown-up who looks after me, what I can, what is not, where I should stop. Therefore, in our culture there is now such a problem that parents who have grown up in a large number of prohibitions think that everything should be allowed to the child, nothing should be prohibited to him. This gives rise to anxiety in children, anxiety, sometimes "field" (1:13) behavior, when a child is worried, running, he does not seem to know what to do with himself. This leads to provocations, because then the child provokes the parent for the parent to put this prohibition or boundary in order to understand: "Everything is okay", there is someone big and an adult who looks after me, who decides questions, what is possible , which is impossible. Therefore, in my opinion, there should be few prohibitions; they should be clear, precise and correspond to the traditions and foundations of the family.

Very often, parents introduce prohibitions automatically. If we try to talk about the root reasons why a parent puts a prohibition on his child, then in my opinion, they are divided into two large categories: conscious and unconscious prohibitions.

Conscious:

Most often, the parent prohibits something from the child when he wants to protect from something. It seems to him that if he puts a ban / border now, he will protect him: from a sore throat, if he does not give ice cream or protect his life, forbidding him to cross the road at a red light. These are very logical and understandable prohibitions, and very logical and understandable reasons;
The second category is when a parent thinks that when raising a child, we should put prohibitions on him, otherwise, what kind of upbringing? Otherwise, it is permissiveness, disgrace, and the child will grow up without feeling what is allowed and what is not;
Another reason is habit. Parents, when they were children, their parents forbade them to do something, so now they forbid their children the same, sometimes without even realizing.

It is much more difficult with unconscious prohibitions, or rather unconscious reasons why parents put these prohibitions on children.

First of all, in my opinion, the unconscious reasons are the fact that the parent hides some of his feelings behind this. For example, he is annoyed at the child, offended at the child, and in order to express this anger, the parent sometimes puts a ban on him;
Another category is when the parent is jealous of the child. The girl says, "Mom, I want another dress," and Mom had few dresses when she was a little girl, and she says, "No, you won't get that." This is envy. A perfectly normal and understandable feeling, but it is important to realize that this has nothing to do with the real protection of the child;
Parental anxiety is another reason for unconscious inhibitions. A parent may be so insecure, anxious, life is so terrible for him, that he is ready to forbid the child everything "just in case" so long as nothing happens to him. Here it is important for the parent to understand that “this is my anxiety, I am so much afraid of life, and the child has nothing to do with it”;
The parent's desire to leave the child dependent. We are not always ready, then he grows, leaves us, spends more time without us. And then we forbid him to do something, then simply wishing to leave him with us, to leave him dependent on us.

Unfortunately, a big mistake of parents is that they are forbidding something to do it in a very judgmental tone: “How do you not understand?”, “You, what did not understand?”, “How could you?”, Thereby blaming the child and shaming him, which is certainly not helpful. When delivering a ban, the task is not to show that it is bad and terribly guilty. Prohibition is stop. Therefore, whenever possible, when setting prohibitions and designations of boundaries, there should be no condemnation and, moreover, shame (5:17) of the child. The better you do this, the easier it will be for the child to accept this prohibition.

Children have three main reactions to our inhibitions:

Very natural are indignation, irritation, frustration, crying, tears, screaming. This is a normal reaction to a ban. Why? Because the child wanted something, you say no to him, he is frustrated (his need is frustrated) and he is upset. Our task, as a parent, is to withstand these feelings and emotions;
Acceptance is the second reaction to the setting of a ban and a boundary. They accept it, calm down and go about their business. Sometimes they even somehow relax because at that moment they realized that someone was watching his welfare, someone was taking care of it;
The third reaction to the ban, the one that should alert us, is manipulation. When a child tries in some way to circumvent our prohibition, to push through it, they try to decide between the parents, when the mother forbade him and he goes to his father or grandmother, they still try to get their way. On the one hand, the child's attempt to achieve his goal is understandable, it is useful for him, because it is an important skill. But, it is desirable that the child does this directly, i.e. go try to prove to my mother: “Mom, it is very important for me to go for a walk with my girlfriend. What do I need to do for this so that you give me permission? " When there is a manipulative (7:04) attempt to achieve our goal (through some whimpering, through some other actions), then this is, of course, an unpleasant sign for us, and here it is important for us to teach the child, try to negotiate with him.

Children manipulate when adults either manipulate themselves and the child sees this model, or adults are very harsh and tough, and too many of the child's needs are too often frustrated, i.e. are forbidden, then the child has no choice but to manipulate. Therefore, if your child is manipulating, then you should look at yourself carefully: maybe you are doing it, maybe you are saying “no” to him too often.

How to set bans:

It is important to tell the child: "I forbid you to do this" and, if possible, explain the reasons. There is a nuance when we prohibit something to the child on a regular basis, then there is no need to explain the reasons all the time, because the child already knows them very well and the next time we just say no. The clearer and simpler the prohibition is formulated, the easier it is for the child to perceive. The explanation should be short and clear. Reading the lectures is not worth it, because the child stops hearing you and turns on the transit: "God, when will it all end";
We make a ban without commenting on his personality, without humiliation, as we have said, without shame;
It is very important to be able to withstand the child's reaction. Those. when a child gets upset, cries, kicks his legs - our task is to withstand it. In order to withstand it is important to understand that, firstly, this is a natural reaction of the child, and secondly, to share it: “Yes, I understand you are upset / you are offended”. It is easier for a child to accept your prohibition because he sees that his feelings are accepted, but the prohibition remains a prohibition.

As I usually tell my parents: do not put that border that you are not ready to withstand. If you decide to forbid the child something, then think before that. The moment you say this and after, it is advisable not to change your mind. You can change your mind only if the child entered into negotiations with you, and they ended successfully. You should not change your mind when a child pushed you through or went to an agreement with someone else.

In our life with a child, there should be not only prohibitions, but also a lot of love. If there is love, then it is easier to perceive any prohibitions and boundaries.