Most women raising children alone feel pressure from the public. They are constantly haunted by the condemnation and pity of others, and the second option is no better than the first. Often, this situation affects not only the psychological state of women, but also affects the child. A psychologist will help a single mother get rid of prejudices and competently build communication with her child.
It would seem that in the modern world you will not surprise anyone with the status of a single mother. According to statistics, more and more women prefer to raise their children on their own, without even trying to involve their father in this process. Nevertheless, our mentality does not allow such an idea to take root firmly in the public consciousness. People continue to condemn single mothers even if this was not a deliberate choice for them, but an extremely undesirable and unexpected situation. Let's try to understand the problems that every single mother faces at some stage.
Problem 1. Negative public opinion
Society's favorite pastime is to hang labels. As soon as people encounter an incomplete family, where for some reason the father is absent, they begin, with an admixture of pity and condemnation, to draw far from the most optimistic prospects in front of their mother:
"A boy without a father will never become a real man", "A child will feel flawed all his life", "She herself does not want to get married - she would at least think about the child" ...
If the initiative to raise a child on her own comes from the woman herself, the public begins to resent:
“For the sake of children, one could have tolerated”, “Men don’t need other people's children”, “A divorced woman with children does not suit her personal life” ...
etc…
A woman, willingly or unwillingly, begins to try on these disappointing forecasts on herself and her child, and her already psychologically unstable state may finally be shaken. She withdraws into herself, nullifies all contacts with others and lives in maximum isolation.
Decision. First you need to get rid of the stereotypes yourself. Don't think that public opinion is the ultimate truth. The people around you are mostly no better (not smarter, not more experienced) than you. They perceive everything around them through the prism of their own worldview and life experience, which may differ significantly from yours. The common expression "from the outside" does not work here. Only you yourself can determine what is best for you and your child and how to build your life further.
Trust yourself, your instincts, your actions, choices, opinions and do not try to compare yourself with relatives and friends. Prioritize your interests and those of your baby. Communicate more with positive or neutral people who are willing to support you.
Problem 2. Feeling lonely
This feeling is familiar to any single mother. Even if it was her conscious, balanced decision, a woman usually has a hard time bearing the absence of a "man's shoulder". It is important for any of us to have the opportunity to share our experiences and emotions with someone, discuss the latest news, tell about the successes of our son or daughter. The unfulfilled need for communication, accumulating, leads to depression and nervous disorders.
In a woman, nature has a need to create a home, gathering relatives and close people around it, to give warmth and care. And when she is left alone with the child at home, this leads to confusion and melancholy.
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These emotions are especially aggravated in situations that emphasize her isolation: silence and emptiness in the apartment in the evening, when the baby has already fallen asleep; "Family" weekend walks together with a child. If at the same time communication is lost with friends who do not know how to contact spouses after their divorce, or are simply afraid to distract mother from her son or daughter, then emptiness in a woman's life comes to the fore.
Decision. The most important thing is to perceive loneliness not as your cross in life, but as a temporary, annoying, but inevitable, trouble. Find your advantages in this state: finally there is an opportunity to take up your favorite hobby, read an interesting book, calmly surf the Internet, freedom not to adapt to your partner's desires ... Try to make a list of at least 10 items. Completing the assignment in writing will help you focus and articulate your thoughts more clearly.
Then you can proceed directly to the implementation of all these points. Do handicrafts, cookery, read more, have a pet, communicate on social networks, or invite friends or relatives to visit. It is necessary that others also understand that you are ready for communication.
Active action. Fear stops action, action stops fear. Remember this rule and be active. New acquaintances, new leisure time, a new hobby, a new pet - any activity will do that will help you not feel lonely and fill the space around you with interesting people and activities.
Problem 3. Remorse about the child
“I deprived the child of her father”, “I could not keep the family”, “Doomed the child to an inferior life” - this is only a small part of what the woman blames herself for. Moreover, every day she is faced with a variety of everyday situations that make her feel even more guilty: she could not buy a toy for her child, because she did not earn enough money, or did not take it from kindergarten on time, because she was afraid to take time off from work again. ...
A mother who is raising a child alone constantly thinks that she is not giving him something, that the baby feels inferior because he is growing up without a father. Others add fuel to the fire, saying: “the child needs a steady hand,” “the father would not allow this,” etc. Therefore, even the usual situations, when a mother cannot buy an expensive toy for her son, and a new-fangled dress for her daughter, is perceived by her with an exaggerated sense of guilt.
At the same time, the mother seeks to indulge all children's whims, overprotects the child, seeks to control his every step, which does not benefit both of them. The kid grows up dependent, unable to stand up for himself, moreover, he quickly learns to manipulate his mother and uses this right and left.
Decision. First you need to understand that the real harm to the child is not caused by the absence of a father, but by the fact that you constantly gnaw yourself about this. The feeling of guilt makes you unhappy, does not allow you to adequately assess and build relationships with your child. Try to analyze (or rather write down) what exactly you are to blame, whether there is an opportunity to somehow rectify the situation, whether it is possible to atone for your guilt in some way.
Perhaps behind the feeling of guilt lies aggression, fear, resentment, self-doubt? You need to be as honest with yourself as possible, only then the situation can be corrected.
Problem 4. Women's education
This problem is especially relevant if the father does not communicate with the child at all. Children should see two types of behavior: male and female. They need to learn to build family relationships on the example of a father and mother, to determine who has what role, what responsibilities in the family. For the boy, the father is a role model, who fosters such qualities as responsibility, honesty, courage in him. And the girl learns to interact with the opposite sex through her father.
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Of course, if all the upbringing functions are performed only by the mother, the children lack male influence. They see only one model of behavior and begin to try it on themselves. In this case, the child may have problems in the future when communicating with the opposite sex. Nevertheless, the situation is solvable.
Decision. The child needs to spend more time with male relatives and friends. Involve grandfathers, uncles, older brothers in communication with him. Communicate more with married couples so that your baby can also see a pattern of family relationships.
Going to the movies with your grandfather, doing homework with your uncle, going on a camping trip with friends - this will be a great opportunity for a child to learn different types of male behavior.
If possible, it is better to keep communication with the child's father, you should not neglect this, no matter how great your offense is. By mutual desire, they can spend weekends together, make any trips. Your participation in this is not so necessary. If the child can be entrusted to the father for some time, then this is the best option.
Problem 5. Difficulties in personal life
Single mothers often go to two extremes. Some put their personal lives on the altar of serving the child. They spend all their free time with him, completely "dissolving" in his interests and desires. They simply do not have time for themselves. Either they don't need it: out of fear that the new husband may not accept a son or daughter, will not be able to love someone else's child as her own, the woman does not try to start any relationship.
The second option is diametrically opposite. A single mother is so anxious to quickly get rid of this "shameful stigma" that she is ready to almost jump out to marry the first comer. She may not even pay attention to the personal qualities of a man, to his willingness to raise someone else's child.
In an effort to quickly get rid of this "stigma" and tormented by a sense of guilt before the child, a woman often enters into new relationships that she does not like or for which she is not yet ready. It is simply vital for her that someone else is with her, and that the child has a father. At the same time, the personal qualities of a new partner often fade into the background.
Popular stereotypes play an important role here: “who needs her with a child”, “no one will even look at a divorcee” ... Therefore, if there is a man who is ready to marry her, despite all the circumstances, she starts to rush things too much.
Of course, both options are unacceptable for both the mother and the baby. They will both feel unhappy and blame themselves for the situation.
In both the first and second situations, a woman sacrifices herself and ultimately remains unhappy. In both the first and second situations, the child will suffer. In the first case, because he will see the suffering of the mother next to the wrong person. In the second - because he will see the suffering of the mother alone and blame himself for it.
Decision. Stop and think. What is your desire or unwillingness to remarry faster? Are you doing it at the behest of your heart or are you trying to please the child? Are you in too much of a hurry or, on the contrary, delay? Or maybe you are driven by fear of repeating your past bad experience? Think about why you want a new relationship, what drives you: guilt, loneliness, or the desire to be happy?
In any case, you have nowhere to rush. Start looking for a life partner only when you realize that you are really ready for this. And do not be afraid to cause jealousy or resentment on the part of the child. Remember the main mother's commandment: happy mother - happy her children!
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