Children's tantrums can complicate the life of any, even very patient adults. Yesterday the baby was a "darling", but today he was replaced as it is - he screams for any reason, squeals, falls to the floor, bangs his head against the walls and the carpet and no admonitions help. Such unpleasant scenes are almost never a one-time protest action. Often the child's tantrums are repeated systematically, sometimes several times a day.
This cannot but alarm and puzzle parents who ask themselves what they did wrong, is everything okay with the baby and how to stop these antics. The authoritative well-known pediatrician Yevgeny Komarovsky tells mothers and fathers how to react to children's tantrums.
About the problem
Children's tantrums are widespread. And even if the parents of the toddler say that they have the quietest baby in the world, this does not mean that he never makes scenes out of the blue. Until recently, it was somehow embarrassing to confess to hysterics in their own child, parents were embarrassed, all of a sudden those around them would think that they were raising the little one badly, and sometimes they even feared that their beloved child would be considered mentally "not like that" by those around them. So they fought as best they could, in the bosom of the family.
In recent years, they began to talk about the problem with specialists, child psychologists, psychiatrists, neurologists and pediatricians. And an insight came: there are much more hysterical children than it might seem at first glance. According to statistics available to child psychologists in one of the large clinics in Moscow, 80% of children under the age of 6 have hysterics periodically, and 55% of these babies have regular hysterics. On average, children can have such attacks from 1 time per week to 3-5 times a day.
Infant tantrums have certain basic symptoms. As a rule, the attack is preceded by some of the same events and situations.
During a hysteria, a child can scream heart-rendingly, tremble, choke, while there will not be so many tears. Breathing problems may occur, heart rate increases, and many children try to hurt themselves by scratching their face, biting their hands, or hitting walls or the floor. The attacks in children are long enough, after them they cannot calm down for a long time, they sob.
At certain age periods, tantrums acquire stronger manifestations, at such “critical” stages of growing up, emotional outbursts change their color. They can appear suddenly, or they can disappear just as suddenly. But tantrums should in no way be ignored, just as a child should not be allowed to manipulate adult family members with the help of shouting and stamping his feet.
The opinion of Dr. Komarovsky
First of all, says Evgeny Komarovsky, parents should remember that a child in a state of hysteria definitely needs a spectator. Kids never make scandals in front of the TV or washing machine, they choose a living person, and from the family members, the one who is most sensitive to his behavior is suitable for the role of the viewer.
If the dad begins to worry and get nervous, then he will be chosen by the child for a spectacular hysteria. And if the mother ignores the child's behavior, then throwing a tantrum in front of her is simply not interesting.
Doctor Komarovskaya will tell you how to wean a child from hysterics in the next video.
This opinion is somewhat contrary to the generally accepted opinion of child psychologists, who argue that a child in a state of hysteria is completely out of control. Komarovsky is sure that the baby is perfectly aware of the situation and the balance of power, and does everything that he does at this moment quite arbitrarily.
Therefore, the main advice from Komarovsky is not to show in any way that the children's "concert" somehow touches the parents. No matter how strong the tears, screams and stamping feet may be.
If a child at least once achieves his goal with the help of hysteria, he will use this method constantly. Komarovsky warns parents to placate the baby during a tantrum.
To yield is to become a victim of manipulation, which will, in one way or another, constantly improving, continue for the rest of your life.
It is advisable to calm all family members adhered to tactics of behavior and rejection of hysterics, so that mom's "no" never turns into dad's "yes" or grandmother's "maybe." Then the child will quickly understand that hysteria is not a method at all, and will stop testing the nerves of adults for strength.
If the grandmother begins to show gentleness, to feel sorry for the child offended by the parental refusal, then she risks becoming the only spectator of children's tantrums. The problem, says Komarovsky, is the lack of physical safety with such grandmothers. After all, usually a grandson or granddaughter gradually ceases to obey them and can get into an unpleasant situation in which they can be injured while walking, burn yourself with boiling water in the kitchen, put something into an outlet, etc., because the baby will not react to the hail of grandmother.
What to do?
If the child is 1-2 years old, he is quite quickly able to form the correct behavior at the reflex level. Komarovsky advises putting the baby in a playpen, where he will have a safe space. As soon as the hysteria began - leave the room, but let the child know that he is being heard. As soon as the little one is silent, you can go into his room. If the cry is repeated, go out again.
According to Evgeny Olegovich, two days is enough for a child of one and a half to two years to develop a stable reflex - "mom is near if I don't yell".
For such "training" parents will need truly iron nerves, the doctor emphasizes. However, their efforts will certainly be rewarded by the fact that in a short time an adequate, calm and obedient child will grow up in their family. And one more important point - the sooner parents apply this knowledge in practice, the better it will be for everyone. If the child has already passed 3 years old, this method alone cannot do. More painstaking work on errors will be required. First of all, over parental mistakes in raising their own children.
The child does not obey and is hysterical
Absolutely any children can be naughty, says Komarovsky. Much depends on the character, temperament, upbringing, norms of behavior that are adopted in the family, on the relationship between the members of this family.
Do not forget about the "transitional" age - 3 years, 6-7 years, adolescence.
3 years
At the age of about three years, the child begins to understand and realize himself in this big world, and, naturally, he wants to try this world for strength. In addition, children at this age are not all and are far from always able to express in words their feelings, emotions and experiences on any occasion. So they show them in the form of hysteria.
Quite often, at this age stage, night tantrums begin. They are spontaneous, the child just wakes up at night and immediately practices a piercing scream, bends in an arc, sometimes tries to escape from adults and try to escape. Usually, nighttime tantrums do not last so long, and the child "outgrows" them, they stop as suddenly as they began.
6-7 years old
At 6-7 years old, a new stage of growing up occurs. The kid is already ripe to go to school, and they begin to demand more from him than before. He is very afraid not to meet these requirements, he is afraid to "let him down", stress builds up and sometimes pours out again in the form of hysteria.
Evgeny Komarovsky emphasizes that most often parents turn to doctors with this problem when the child is already 4-5 years old, when tantrums occur "out of habit."
If at an earlier age the parents were unable to stop such behavior and unwittingly became participants in a tough show that the baby plays in front of them day after day, trying to achieve something of his own.
Parents are usually afraid of some of the external manifestations of hysteria, such as the child's fainting state, convulsions, "hysterical bridge" (arching the back), deep sobs and breathing problems. Affective-respiratory disorders, this is how Evgeny Olegovich calls this phenomenon, are characteristic mainly of children of an early age - up to 3 years. With a strong cry, the child exhales almost the entire volume of air from the lungs, and this leads to paleness, holding of breath.
Such attacks are characteristic of capricious, excitable children, says Komarovsky. Many children use other methods of taking out anger, disappointment or resentment - they sublimate emotion into movement - they fall, knock with their feet and hands, bang their heads against objects, walls, and the floor.
With a prolonged and severe hysterical affective-respiratory attack, involuntary convulsions may begin if the child's consciousness begins to suffer. Sometimes in this state the baby can describe himself, even if he has been walking on the potty perfectly for a long time, and incidents do not happen. Usually, after seizures (tonic - with muscle tension or clonic - with relaxation, "limp") breathing is restored, the skin ceases to be "cyanotic", the baby begins to calm down.
With such manifestations of hysteria, it is still better to consult a pediatric neurologist, since the same symptoms are characteristic of some nervous disorders.
Tips
- Teach your child to express emotions in words. Your child cannot not be angry and annoyed at all, like any other normal person. You just need to teach him to correctly express his anger or irritation.
- A child prone to hysterical attacks should not be overly patronized, cared for and cherished, it is best to send him to kindergarten as early as possible. There, says Komarovsky, seizures usually do not occur at all due to the absence of constant and impressionable spectators of hysterics - mom and dad.
- Hysterical attacks can be learned to anticipate and control. To do this, parents need to carefully observe when hysteria usually begins. The child may be sleepy, hungry, or hate to be rushed. Try to bypass potential "conflict" situations.
- At the first sign of an incipient hysteria, you should try to distract the child. Usually, says Komarovsky, this works quite successfully with children under three years old. With older guys it will be more difficult.
- If your child tends to hold their breath when hysterical, there is nothing particularly wrong with that. Komarovsky says that in order to establish breathing, you just need to blow in the baby's face, and he will definitely take a breath reflexively.
- No matter how difficult it is for parents to deal with the child's tantrums, Komarovsky strongly recommends that they go to the end. If you let the baby beat you with a hysterics, then it will be even more difficult. Indeed, from a hysterical three-year-old one day a hysterical and completely intolerable teenager of 15-16 years old will grow up. It will ruin life not only for parents. He will make it very difficult for himself.
