If before children were brought up more with a stick than with a carrot, then a modern mother is trying to raise a self-sufficient and psychologically healthy person from her child. As a result, questions arise: why you can't yell at a child and how to get rid of this habit.
Screaming is a common problem in family education, found even in the healthiest and most friendly cells of society. Occasionally, any mother can shout at a child, however, some parents communicate with children exclusively in a raised voice.
Of course, most of them subsequently repent and ask for forgiveness from their children. Perhaps moms could hold back if they knew what could happen if raising a child in an atmosphere of constant tension and misunderstanding.
Why can't you shout at children?
Screaming is one of the ways to make your child fear, but not respect. What do you expect? Fear and authority are, as they say, two big differences. The child may be afraid of a formidable shout, do what he was ordered to do.
Perhaps, on the one hand, this is good. But, if an angry father and a hysterical mother are not the image you are striving for, then you need to figure it out. First of all, it is worth understanding what such an educational policy can lead to.
Parents should also know why children should not be hit. This is important because constant screaming and anger at the child is often accompanied by physical punishment.
In psychology, it is customary to distinguish three main aspects of the influence of parental cry. Constant conversation in a raised voice affects areas such as:
- childish personality;
- development of parent-child relationships;
- social development of the child.
It is necessary to consider each aspect in more detail.
Child personality
First of all, it should be remembered that a small child takes everything literally, drawing simple analogies. If mother offends - the dearest and closest person, it means that she does not love him.
This is the first thought that arises in a child's head. The next association is that if your beloved mother screams and offends, it means that strangers are also cruel, so it's better not to trust them.
As a result of such inferences, the child closes in on himself, becomes anxious, whiny, irritable. He has various fears, sleep disturbances, problems with establishing contacts with peers and adults.
Since the child subconsciously constantly expects new cries from the parents, he has to live in constant tension and a premonition of something bad. As a result, such stress does not contribute to the harmonious development of the baby's personality.
The formation of two strategies of behavior is possible.
- Bad behavior. The child begins to behave even worse, because he thinks that he will be yelled at anyway. In addition, if mother's attention is expressed only in screams, it remains to be a hooligan in order to make him show interest even so.
- Desire to please. The child tries to "butter up" the parents, even through flattery, deception. Naturally, when the trick is revealed, mom or dad gets angry with him again, screams start again and the mood of all family members spoils.
Development of parent-child relationships
Screaming affects both the personal development of the child and the family microclimate. First of all, the relationship between children and parents becomes less warm and sincere.
It is quite natural that a child, constantly listening to angry rebuffs, will move away and close emotionally.
For example, if the mother constantly screams at the same time (when she returns home from work), then the baby will unconsciously try to avoid communication during this period.
As a result, relationships deteriorate, their positive emotional coloring disappears. It is harmful to children of all ages, and especially toddlers in early and preschool childhood.
Adults who cannot understand the reason for such alienation begin, in turn, to get irritated and disappointed. Sometimes even they have thoughts, they say, I do so much for him, I try to fulfill all his whims, but he is silent ...
A vicious circle arises in which the mother or father gets angry and screams, the child is silent, because either he is too young to discuss the problem, or does not understand how to explain his feelings, or does not believe that he can fix something.
Social development of the child
Psychologists also note the negative impact of constant screaming on the child's further relations with society. Moreover, they can be expressed in several negative aspects.
- If education by screaming has become a kind of family communication style or a kind of ritual, there is a possibility that the child will carry these communication habits into his future life. That is, in his own family, he will also yell at children or spouse, refusing to compromise with them.
- As noted above, the child begins to negatively relate to the entire world around him. Because of this unformed basic trust, it is difficult for him to enjoy life, trust people, and develop strong relationships with them. Accordingly, problems can be with the formation of friendships or love relationships.
- It is highly likely that the child will not be independent in the future, and his character trait will become infantile. This is due to a lack of parental support and feelings of dislike. Infantile behavior can also manifest itself in the form of an inability to take responsibility, the desire to shift it onto other people.
In addition, screaming and punishment often contribute to a so-called victim complex in children. In this case, the child constantly feels unnecessary, feels resentment, suffers for any reason and requires increased attention and pity from others.
Causes of screams
"Why am I yelling at the child?" - this question is asked by every mom and every dad who realize that something is wrong in their small cell of society.
In such a situation, the parent communicates with friends, looks for answers to questions on the Internet, or seeks psychological help.
What's going on? At some point, you lose control over your emotions. Negative feelings break out and are directed at the child who is unable to do anything to prevent such aggressive behavior.
But where does anger at your beloved child come from? After all, there are often cases when the most innocent word or deed of the child becomes the trigger. And immediately begins a cry, a threat, anger. Then, probably, there will be repentance, but this does not make it easier for children.
There are several reasons for this behavior.
Reason # 1. "I'm older"
Sometimes the mother screams simply because she can afford it. She is older, stronger, more experienced and wiser. And, most importantly, she is better versed in everything that concerns the child.
Sometimes parents mistake a child's desire for independence for disobedience or misbehavior. Forgetting that a three-year-old is already an emerging personality, moms and dads strive to adjust it for themselves, wanting it to meet all the requirements.
And if the child begins to defend his own opinion, a kind of "I am older" button is triggered, anger and irritation arises, as a result of which the parent breaks into a loud shout. He is convinced that such a "loud upbringing" will make children change and adapt to him.
Reason # 2. Stress
It is one of the most common causes of parental anger. Women, however, like men, today are busy with work (and more than one). Add to this the high pace of life, information richness, constant problems at work or in your personal life ...
It is not surprising that, having come home, the mother does not have the strength and even the desire to figure out what happened and who is to blame. Got a bad grade at school? Loud swearing. Forgot to say that tomorrow was set to English? Here's another portion of my mother's anger.
Negative emotions are thrown out, the child is crying, the mother is also upset. And tomorrow everything will start all over again - until the next unsatisfactory assessment of the child or hauling from the boss. It is extremely difficult to get out of such a vicious circle.
Reason number 3. The child is the culprit of all troubles
Unconsciously, some mothers blame their children for all their difficulties and problems. Didn't work out with your career? This is because a son was born. Forced to sit on maternity leave and spend little time with friends? Again, the child is to blame.
The situation is aggravated when a woman divorces or breaks up with her beloved man, who found out about her "interesting" situation. It is hard to imagine what would happen if the child, in addition, is a spitting image of the "unlucky daddy".
It will be good if at one fine moment the mother stops and thinks for a minute whether it is possible to yell at the child only because her life has turned out quite differently from what she had imagined before. Otherwise, the situation will only get worse over time.
Reason number 4. Increased exactingness
In this case, we are talking about inflated expectations from the child. Often women, even before childbirth and even pregnancy, draw in their imagination the image of an ideal baby. Often he is endowed with all the best qualities and abilities, and his life is planned.
And suddenly "unexpectedly" the child grows up completely different from what he imagined in his dreams. He is completely imperfect, not as smart as we would like (this is usually not admitted, but it is felt at the subconscious level), and in general he does not like music and does not want to become a great football player.
As a result of such a collision of reality with a fictional world, anger is born. Now, by screaming mothers, they are trying to either change something, or simply express their dissatisfaction with the resulting "result". And, it would seem, all you need to do is to moderate your appetites and love the baby the way he is.
Reason number 5. Fear for the child
Increased custody can sometimes be as harmful as parental indifference. As the children grow up, the parents begin to shout so that the child does not climb the hill, does not touch the dog, does not run, does not jump through puddles, does not climb a tree.
Of course, giving commands in an orderly tone is easier than constantly helping the child solve problems.
That is, in fact, parents try to take care of children not because of endless love for them, but because of pure selfishness - mom and dad just want to be less nervous and worried.
As a result, the child does not need to fill the number of cones, does not feel the consequences of rash actions, does not learn from the steps taken. Although, of course, you need to act immediately when the baby runs out onto the road or plays with a box of matches.
A useful article from a child psychologist, from which you can learn how to behave as an adult if the child does not obey or does not understand the requests of the parents.
Reason number 6. Fear of not being in time
Parents are always running somewhere, are late, in a hurry, do not have time. Either a minibus or a bus is about to leave, then you need to run into a store for a sale, then you need to get to the doctor on time.
However, a small child does not care about such problems; he is in no hurry at all. He is interested in that cat on the curb, a flying pigeon, an uncle with a broom at the store, the reflection of the sun in a puddle.
But since mom knows better, they shout at the children so that they dress quickly, do not chat, do not look around, do not run, but generally walk side by side. As a result, general irritation, screams, resistance of kids, again orders and a spoiled mood among all participants in the conflict.
Reason # 7. Reluctance or inability to explain
“How many times have I explained to you that you, you fool, don’t understand?” - the mother screams in her hearts, looking into the notebook with homework or seeing the next unsatisfactory mark received.
It would be much more constructive to understand why the child does not understand anything, where the same errors come from, for what reasons he cannot learn to multiply numbers or write correctly.
But one could try to explain again, to make sure that the child understood everything exactly. If all else fails, then you need to contact, for example, a tutor. In general, try to find an approach to your own child, but screaming is really easier.
Do the above reasons mean that parents do not like their children? Of course not. It's just that not all moms and dads think about exactly how they love. So it turns out that love is peculiar - with screams and twitches.
What to do?
Working out the behavior in this case is a difficult and painstaking work. Therefore, below are only general recommendations, it is best to contact a psychotherapist who will help you understand the true reasons for the "screaming behavior" and will prompt a way out of the situation.
- Remove the irritant. If all the time on the nerves, then you should exclude from life all possible irritants - the so-called "triggers" of aggression. For example, changing a job in which the cruel boss constantly finds fault. Of course, this is an extreme case, but your child is more expensive.
- Plan your time. Learn to plan your daily routine yourself or with the help of specialists so as not to rush anywhere and at the same time to be in time everywhere.
- Imagine the consequences. Before yelling, imagine the harm that is being done to the child. The kid gets scared, neurological diseases begin, and other health problems arise.
- Drink a sedative. See your doctor who will find a medication to strengthen the nervous system. However, avoid drinking alcoholic beverages to relieve stress. New problems will be added.
- Introduce guests. One of the popular constraints is the presence of guests in the apartment. You need to imagine, as soon as you want to yell at the child, that there are guests in the living room who hear everything.
- Conventional sign. Agree with the child, if his age allows, about the key phrase that he will utter when the mother begins to lose self-control. For example, a toddler might say, "I love you, don't shout." This will keep you cool and let off steam.
- Psychological literature. On the Internet or libraries, you can find many useful books that contain advice from experienced psychologists specializing in this problem.
- Express your feelings. Do not be afraid to talk about your own feelings: "I am angry right now" or "I am furious about what you did." This is much better than your usual cry.
If, nevertheless, the screams could not be contained, you must definitely apologize to your child. A sincere apology will not only help mitigate the negative consequences of an argument, but it will also not disrupt the parent-child relationship.
And if the child is a stranger?
In matters of raising the voice for children, extremely delicate situations can arise. So, the above examples are suitable for your child, but what can you do if a woman wants to make a remark to other people's children?
Yelling at other people's children, for example, in a sandbox or on a playground, is strictly prohibited. Even if they committed, in your opinion, a serious offense. The best option is to draw the parents' attention to the behavior of their own offspring.
Another option is if the child was adopted, adopted, or, possibly, the woman lives with step children. This issue should still be resolved based on the current situation.For this, it is better to consult a psychologist.
It is important to understand why the child lives separately from his own mother. You should also establish how close the relationship is between the foster child and the step mother. Based on these basic components, the specialist will tell you how to behave for all household members.
As conclusions
Analyzing the reasons for raising your voice, establishing the possible consequences of your incontinence and, trying to get rid of the bad habit, it is important to remember some important principles and rules:
- A child is the highest value for a mother. You need to love him, of course, and, therefore, you need to try to get rid of all the problems that exist between the parents and the baby. Including the constant shouting should be abandoned.
- If a mother regularly brings up her child by screaming, there is the possibility of numerous problems that complicate socialization and the development of relationships with friends and future life partner.
- It is important to establish the true reason for such behavior in order to correctly resolve the unpleasant situation later. A prerequisite for screaming can be stress, increased exactingness and fear for the child's health.
- If the screams cannot be contained, you must immediately ask for forgiveness from your child. This will allow the parent-child relationship to return to normal.
- The support of a qualified psychologist may be needed if no advice helps to contain your own aggressiveness.
According to experts, screaming is one of the types of emotional abuse of a child. The younger he is, the more the rage that sounds in the parental voice hurts him, especially if the mother practices the conversation in raised tones.
It is important for parents to always remember that it is extremely easy to hurt a baby, but the consequences of this psychological wound can be cured without "scars" only in some cases. Therefore, the problem "I am constantly shouting at my child" needs to be solved as soon as possible.
