How often does this occur among parents: a naughty child refuses to impute your arguments, and literally on the go you come up with a certain frightening phrase. In theory, she should settle down the child, make him think again and calm down. But what actually happens in the head of your own child when he hears again from an irritated mother "Stop it, otherwise I won't love you anymore!" or “Do as I say, otherwise I'll leave you right in the street and leave!”- how often the child hears these words. Does he perceive them as an adult? Understanding or fear - what will keep the child from danger?
An experienced psychologist reveals all the dangers of this method of manipulating your child. And he warns: such phrases can seriously undermine your parental authority! Why does bullying often lead to the opposite result, and how can we find reasonable substitutes?
“I'm tired of your seizures already! Stop yelling now! Otherwise, I'll leave you here and go home myself! Do you hear me? I'll leave you and go! I'm tired of you already, no strength! " - was heard in the middle of the street, and in response were heard more and more piercing sobs of children.
- Tell me, please, is every mother in such a typical situation?
— Yes, indeed, such a picture on the street can often be seen. A parent, tired and irritated, almost drags his stubborn child, and he screams more and more. Intimidation turns out to be ineffective, and an adult from impotence himself can hardly restrain hysteria and tears.
- And how can we interrupt this crazy cycle? As an experienced child psychologist, what advice can you give to parents?
— Stop, take a deep breath, try to come to your senses. Try to move away from your irritation and realize that your anger will get you nowhere. On the contrary, the more an adult gets excited, the more the child becomes nervous. The only way out of this situation is to try to see yourself through the eyes of your own child. It's not just that he falls into a nervous fit and refuses to obey. It means that something led to this, some chain of events upset him. It may be that he is even just tired. Or he is hot, uncomfortable in his clothes. Even relatively grown-up children cannot always understand the cause of their nervous tension. There is still no ability to analyze events and find some important essence in them. Therefore, it is important to be patient. The child may not answer what happened to him and why he is so upset, but this does not mean that there is no reason. You are an adequate and adult person, a responsible parent. If it is not possible to get a clear answer from the child, then stop tyrannizing him. Just accept the thought that at the moment he is not himself. And it is completely absurd to begin to oppress the child even more, intimidating or offending him.
- What should be done?
- Take the child in your arms and hug him. Press to yourself, have pity and calm down. Give him some time to let the tension begin to subside. Any hysteria and a massive fountain of children's tears is an attempt to relieve stress. Let off some steam, if you will. Every person needs periodic relaxation, especially after a hard day or recently experienced unpleasant situations. Your child is no exception. He is not yet able to help himself on his own. And not every adult is able to control his emotions in moments of moral depression, physical fatigue. It is foolish to demand this from a small child.
- That is, the parental reaction to such a child's behavior should be affection and calmness?
- Exactly. Only in this case will the child be able to calm down, come to his senses.
- And if you continue to curse him, scold and try to intimidate?
- First, the child will be hysterical more and more. As a result, you will have to apply physical punishment, almost always this is what it all ends with. Secondly, the parent will be in a bad mood. For a long time! Because even at home, the child does not immediately begin to calm down. Most likely, your child's mood will be capricious and bad right up to the very moment of going to sleep at night. Who needs it?
Thirdly, the child will draw simple conclusions that in moments when he feels bad, mom (or dad) aggravate his situation. Simply put, a trusting relationship with your child will subsequently be impossible. And one more thing: children may be seriously concerned about the strength and stability of your love. If a mother constantly threatens to leave her child on the street or not pick him up from kindergarten - does she love him at all? This has a very negative effect on relationships.
- But these intimidations are invented. All these threats are just an attempt to end childish tantrums. Don't kids understand this?
- Not always. The child may be confused by parental words. Besides, in some way it is a real lie. You are setting a bad example for your child. You resort to lies to manipulate and get what you want. Children can adopt these psychological techniques. And use them in the future even against yourself!
- It seems that the child's public tantrums are an indicator of a bad mother?
- No, I'm not trying to offend my parents. But they are the ones who are responsible for their children. And often they do not even want to try to understand them, learn to seek compromises. It is very foolish to react to children's whims with your own screams. Is not it? When an adult falls to the level of a three-year-old child who stomps on the floor in a kindergarten locker room, this is at least strange. (we also read: how to react to children's whims)
“When my child suddenly starts to be capricious, becomes whiny and does not make contact, then I just kneel down in front of him, stretch out my arms and hug. I show that I am a friend and you can always rely on me. And that I don't need to explain anything. And any hysteria instantly disappears. "
- In words, everything turns out quite simply. But is it possible to learn this the first time? It seems to me that it is quite difficult to control yourself when you come to kindergarten after a hard day's work for a child, and he starts screaming from the doorway, falling on the floor and crying?
- Of course, this is precisely the main nuance. If you yourself are irritated and in a bad mood, then it is much more difficult to calmly react to the sudden whims of your child. But think about this at such moments: is it possible that your child was not going through his best day today? As an adult, it is easier for you to suppress your negative emotions. And the tense psyche of the child explodes suddenly. Understand that your child could fight his dejected state all day in kindergarten, but now he sees you, the dearest and closest person. And then there is a rapid surge of emotions due to the accumulated stress. What would you like at such a moment?
- Probably just to be comforted and sorry ...
- Your child needs it too. But he does not know how to analyze his mental state and will not be able to produce such a long logical chain to eventually tell you: “Mom, today I am very tired and I feel bad, and a nurse came to our group and took a finger blood test. All this upset me greatly, because I feel nervous tension. Hug me and do something to calm me down. "
The child is simply uncomfortable and the parent is a powerful catalyst. So hysteria begins, uncontrollable tears. It is impossible for a child to cope with such a flow on his own. Just understand that at such a moment your child is very bad. And have mercy.
- And what happens to the children if at such moments the parent does not come to the rescue?
- The child begins to think that he is all alone. He can withdraw into himself. He will try to get comfort from you once, twice, three times. It is possible that in these stages of new attempts his tantrums will worsen and reach their peak. But then he realizes the futility of his actions. Not right away, of course.
- And then what?
- You will simply lose your child. He will learn to do without you. If he could not count on your understanding in deep childhood, then with the advent of adolescence, this alienation will worsen even more.
“I knew a girl who, even as an adult, harbored a grudge against her mother because she once left her at the children's clinic. The girl was afraid to be vaccinated and threw a tantrum under the doctor's office. Mom did not find anything better than to start screaming at a frightened child, and even hit her. And then she turned and silently walked away. Surprisingly, the girl remembered this incident for the rest of her life. "
- It turns out that it is not so easy to be a patient and loving parent. Are there any rules so that you can learn this faster?
- In fact, there is nothing daunting in this. Try to think about more than yourself. At the moment of childish disobedience, the parent is fixated only on his inner feelings. He feels angry, annoyed, irritated. And this completely absorbs him, and for some reason he forgets about the feelings and state of the child.
- Well, then how are things going in order to teach a child to be seriously afraid of something? For example, a fire? Or strangers? If intimidation is not the right option.
- Of course, it is necessary to talk about possible dangers. But not in a depressing vein and without horrific embellishments. I had a patient who, in all colors, painted an eight-year-old child with nightmares that occur on highways. I even showed him photos from car accidents, videos in news feeds. It seemed to him that in this way his child would be as protected as possible, he would cross the road strictly to green.
And one day the class teacher called from the school and said that their son was constantly late for classes. The parents reprimanded the child, during which it turned out that the student was afraid to cross the road even at the green light. One view of the road plunged him into horror, the child stood at a traffic light for half an hour, gathering his spirit and pouring cold sweat.
- Is it a terrible taboo to frighten a child by sending him to an orphanage for disobedience?
- Naturally. As well as to say that you will stop loving. And any phrases in a similar vein. This will not teach the child anything, but it will frighten him.
- It turns out that the main thing is to try to be the child's friend, first of all, not to lie to him and not to ignore his inner state?
- Exactly! Be more lenient. And learn to intuitively understand when your child is hard or unwell, so that you can come to the rescue in time. Then there will be no reason for hysterics.
