Good child psychologists and qualified teachers also repeat about the ability to say a firm “No” to your child, because our world is not so safe as to allow a child to do whatever he wants in it or to indulge all children's whims. But many parents often don’t know how to tell their child “No”, and don’t know how to deny the child’s requests. How to correctly introduce the rules of prohibitions and not create in the baby the feeling that he is somehow infringed upon and not loved? And most importantly - how to teach a child to correctly respond to the word "NO"? We would like to talk about this in our article.
The most important thing that parents must realize is that refusing a child does not mean offending or humiliating him, as many mistakenly believe. Children will have to face a firm "No" more than once in their adult lives, and it is better that loving and beloved parents teach this, and not indifferent uncles and aunts. A child who understands and knows how to accept refusal will find it more comfortable and easier to rotate in society than a spoiled peer. And it will be much easier for the parents themselves to contact with the baby adequately responding to the refusal.
Why is it difficult to refuse your child?
- The desire to please absolutely everything
Most often, this reason is based on a completely justified desire to give a son or daughter something that the parents themselves were deprived of in childhood, or the parents feel sorry for the child and try to please him. For some mums and dads, the desire for a child to be no worse than others, and sometimes better than everyone else, becomes an obsession.
It is important to understand that the more you give to a person, even a small one, the more he begins to need. The child gets used to the fact that all his desires are fulfilled, and with each fulfilled his desire becomes more persistent and capricious. And it becomes more and more difficult for parents with his persistence to fight. In reality, a child needs a minimum of material values: comfort, food, toys. Much more he needs spiritual: intellectual and physical activity, safety, development of social skills, trusting interaction and cooperation with adults. That is why there is only one way out - to carefully weigh the need for this or that desire of the baby and refuse unreasonable ones.
- Feeling of shame in front of others, dependence on someone else's opinion
An example is the situation when a little boy rolls hysterically on the floor of a store in response to his refusal to buy a new toy. People turn around, begin to whisper, give advice. Some may even begin to “threaten” your child by talking about taking the naughty child for themselves. Such attention will definitely be unpleasant for parents, they will be embarrassed, and many choose the simplest way to solve the problem - so as not to blush for their own blood, to follow her lead. But do not lose sight of the fact that children very quickly grasp in what situations it is easier for them to get consent from their parents, for example, when there are a large crowd of people. Then children begin to “work for the public” and parents have to “blush for them” even more. Having found a weak spot, they will put pressure on it with enviable regularity and thus perfectly manipulate adults. The way out is to decide what is more important to you, someone else's opinion or the happy future of your child.
- One-time request syndrome
Sometimes parents do not even think about whether there is a need to fulfill this or that request of the baby. Especially if he utters the magic phrase "Just once." Think about it, there are no completely identical desires. The next many times you will have to agree to similar requests and they will be motivated by the same "one time". This will become the norm for the child. If you deny him later, you will get a well-deserved aggressive reaction and bad behavior in return. Do not mindlessly agree to any request, weigh the pros and cons in your mind and make an informed decision.
- Distorted feeling of love for a child
It's pity, it's indulgence. This reason is closely related to the first: the desire for all the best for the child. To refuse, in the opinion of moms and dads, means to deprive, not understand, offend the feelings of a little man. Draw a clear gradation between imaginary love and sincere love. A person who grew up in love and a person who grew up in an atmosphere of constant indulgence are radically different personalities. Do you want to grow from capriciousness to be aggressive in a relationship, dissatisfied with life, an egoist and a loser?
Children who grew up in an atmosphere of parental love and children who grew up in an atmosphere of parental indulgence are different people, primarily in relation to other people.
What will the atmosphere of indulging a child in the family lead to?
When parents do not deny a child anything, they teach him thereby not to reckon with someone's opinion, except for his own. The young man quickly develops the habit of getting whatever he wants. Over time, it gets fixed and becomes second nature. In adulthood, this will lead to a host of problems and obstacles in interacting with people.
Imagine if an employee of the passport office groundlessly refuses to accept your documents for issuing a new passport instead of an expired one? You will be outraged to the core and rush to prove your rights and his duties to the civil servant who refused you. And all because you have formed a clear view that every person must have a passport and in a few years he must replace this document. The grown-up child will act similarly, but solely through your fault. He will be beside himself with rage and outrage every time he is faced with rejection. After all, he is used to always meeting consent and help in fulfilling any whims.
It is almost impossible to rid an adult of habits grafted from young nails. Just imagine how painful he will live every day, filled with common denials for the rest. They will be huge disappointments for him. Every contact with people will become not just a meeting, but an ordeal. And he himself will be a burden for those around him and just an unpleasant person, from whom you want to get rid of as soon as possible. Most children change over time, faced with the realities of a harsh life, but this process is long and unpleasant. For example, only by the second or third marriage a person can understand that one cannot demand everything from a spouse and always, but one must give something and make a compromise. Do you wish your child such a fate?
Be foresighted and teach your toddler, while still possible, the art of rejection. Remember that in adulthood there may not be people willing to sacrifice themselves for your child.
How to learn to refuse correctly?
If you find the reasons why you indulge the child, and decided to fight them, then you need to start with constant self-control. Gently but confidently suppress the slightest unreasonable demands, no matter how much you want to do otherwise. You should be encouraged by the awareness of the danger posed by inappropriate parenting behavior, and the idea of how painful and difficult the child will be in the future.
So what is he all the same, the correct refusal? An example is the following situation. Mother and son go to the supermarket to shop. Even at the entrance, the mother consults with the child, which trolley is better to choose: larger or smaller? Perhaps the one on wheels to make it easier to transport heavy products? The son advises on wheels, the mother approves of his decision and agrees. During the shopping process, a woman interacts with a child, conducts a dialogue with him, comments on the purchased goods, talking about how they are useful and how useful. The boy feels like an adult, trusts him. Then they walk past the ice cream refrigerator, and the little boy rushes to it with the aim of putting a couple in the cart. Mom refuses - “Now we will not buy ice cream because only a couple of days ago you had a sore throat. As soon as you recover completely, we will definitely buy the most delicious and beautiful ice cream, but if you buy it now, you can catch a cold again. Let's better buy fruit now instead. Can you help me choose the tastiest ones? "
This is the correct refusal. The child takes part in the selection of the cart, chooses the fruit on his own. His opinion is taken into account and embodied, and the refusal is justified: not just a categorical "No" without explaining the reasons, but a detailed explanation.
When the upbringing process is launched, and the child throws a tantrum in response to refusal, you need to learn to be firm and at the same time distract the baby, talk to him, explain the situation in more detail, offer a compromise solution.
If you are frightened by the opinion of others who see a child beating in hysterics, then analyze the situation and decide what is more important to you - the opinion of others or the fulfillment of parental duty.
How to correctly tell your child NO. A few simple tips that work!
How to refuse a child to buy another toy?
From a very tender age, you should teach your baby that not every toy that he likes will be instantly bought. The sooner you teach this, the fewer problems you will face at an older age.
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Toys need to be purchased when necessary, thoughtfully, and not just because the child wants. He will want everything and always. The best option is to buy toys for the holidays / on the occasion of some events, to emphasize the significance of the date, or for the purpose of practical use. For example, in winter - skis, skates and board games, in summer - an inflatable ring for the pool, badminton or roller skates.
For some children, the very process of buying and owning a thing is a pleasure. And then the toy quickly becomes uninteresting and gathers dust on the shelf. This is due to the fact that many children, without realizing it, assert themselves in the process of obtaining the desired toy. They accentuate their "I" and improve their parenting manipulation skills.
Even if the moment is missed, and everything described above is already happening in your family, take small steps towards change. Gradually teach your child to understand that not every car or doll he likes will be bought. Over time, the child will accept this and stop reacting painfully and violently to your refusal. Another unpleasant nuance of the situation - if there are no restrictions on the purchase of toys, then the baby will be sure that the parents always have money for his whim. This will lead to a distorted formation of concepts of material values.
Sometimes you want to please your loved one for no reason, but it is important to control yourself. Do not miss important points in your desire that will negatively come around in the future. If you understand that you are not being asked, but demanded, sound the alarm. Don't be afraid to refuse. The first time can be difficult, the second time it will become easier, then the formation of a new healthy habit will begin. And it is best not to lead to such difficult situations and learn to say “No” to the child from a very early age.
- 5 rules to help you learn to say no to your kids
- 5 alternatives to say NO to your child
- How to learn to prohibit a child without prohibiting?
How to say NO to a child
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