Parents for a small child are not only the closest people, but the whole world. However, many families are faced with such a problem: the baby is capricious and throws tantrums in the presence of his mother, although he remains calm and obedient with all other people. This upsets adults, especially if they are raising their first child. Is the mom really to blame for the baby's bad behavior? The child psychologist Ekaterina Burmistrova will help to understand this issue.
Ekaterina Burmistrova, psychologist: One of the most common parenting requests for counseling is: Why is my child the worst behavior with me? He behaves beautifully in the garden. Teachers have no questions for him in the classroom. The nanny says, "We have no problem with him." And only with mom - this is mainly addressed to mom - the child behaves just awful. Often parents, especially if this is the firstborn, do not understand what is the matter.
Reason # 1. Trust in parents
Parents are accustomed to looking for the cause of the child's complex behavior in themselves. If something goes wrong, the mother begins to analyze her own actions, believing that it is she who is wrongly raising her child. In reality, babies throw tantrums both when they are brought up strictly, and when they are pampered.
The paradox of parent-child relationships is that every child behaves worst of all with the people he loves most. More precisely, with those whom he fully trusts. Therefore, hysteria in the presence of mom is absolutely normal. If the baby is not afraid to express his feelings and emotions in front of the parent, then their relationship can be called healthy.... The adults were able to establish a baseline level of trust at which the child is comfortable with them.
The child behaves well only with his mother - is it normal or an alarming signal?
Mom should be on the alert if her child walks with her, and gives out all negative emotions to the nanny, grandmother or kindergarten teachers. Fortunately, this behavior is extremely rare and suggests that the baby is afraid or simply does not know the closest person well. This usually happens due to the fact that the mother works a lot and practically does not appear at home and very rarely sees her own child.
Psychologists say that this type of behavior is not uncommon in Europe, where parents completely shift the responsibilities of raising children to nannies. There are quite a few such families in Russia. Therefore, a different situation is standard for our country: the mother devotes all her time to the baby, and he behaves worst of all with her.
When a child trusts his parents, he feels completely safe with them. In such a situation, it makes no sense for the baby to control his behavior and emotions, although he already does so in the presence of other people.
Reason # 2. Adjustment for adults
A small child under the age of 6 is a chameleon that adapts to adults. Children often repeat phrases that parents say, copy their gait and the way they hold a spoon at the table. He is such an imitation in the house, emergency situations often happen. Imitating dad's work at the computer, the kid can accidentally pull out the power cable from the outlet, which will lead to loss of data. Copying mom's chores around the house, the children scatter flour throughout the kitchen. All these are natural mechanisms of development, learning and self-improvement. The consequences of such games in adults even cause laughter and emotion in many, because a real owner or hostess is growing up in the house.
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The average parent sees the level of emotional imitation much worse. When a child misbehaves when mom comes, and before that behaved well with another adult, this is a very clear illustration of automatic chameleonism.
Let's say the child was with his grandmother all day, everything was fine with them. During this time, the child has adjusted to the grandmother's type of reactions, her demands, speed, speech patterns, to what the grandmother is happy and unhappy with. This happens not at the level of understanding, but at the level of sensations. He does this without a thought, how a plant turns towards the light, how a dog or cat comes to pity or treat the owner.
When mom arrives, she is followed by other demands, emotional expectations, reactions to different words and behaviors. However, the child is used to his grandmother's coordinate system. He did not have time to rebuild under his mother. As a result, for a certain period the child finds himself in two coordinate systems. Due to the fact that he does not have time to switch, the baby becomes confused. Provocative behavior is his a natural reaction that helps to adapt to mom's characteristics after a long time with my grandmother. Therefore, there are temporary disruptions in behavior, tantrums and whims.
How to correct the child's behavior?
The main thing that parents need to do is to stop resenting the child and blaming themselves for scandalizing in their presence. Mom and Dad need to understand that the baby's behavior is not directed at them, but is associated with a natural stage of development. The fact that a child allows himself much more emotions and reactions in the presence of his closest people is the norm. Mom will have to come to terms with the fact that the baby will misbehave with her for a while. To better adapt to such conditions, parents should use the recommendations of psychologists.
Waiting tactics
When a child's mood and behavior change dramatically, the woman always begins to think that she is a bad mom. Often grandmothers add fuel to the fire, making caustic remarks: "We get along so well with him, what did you do that he whimpered right away?", "But he was not capricious with me!"
Relatives often compete for the child's love, so it is best to skip the emotional wave. Psychologist Ekaterina Burmistrova explains that this metaphor is associated with the image of the inner sea, which is in every person. When it is stormy from a strong shock, it is better to wait out one wave and then dive under it. After that, you will find yourself in a comfortable and safe space.
This is exactly what should be done with the emotional reactions of the child. Need to step back a couple of steps and wait a little so that the baby can rebuild. Usually, the child will recover from the behavioral failure on its own. If he doesn’t succeed, you can help him and say softly: “You’re so sold out that I can see how much you missed me.” Just wait. The emotional wave will come down, and the child will become affectionate with his mother, as before.
Controlling relationships within the family
In most cases, it’s better to accept that the child’s behavior will get out of control for a certain period of time. It is better to establish certain rules within the family than to deal with the mechanisms of development of the baby. They will help the child to quickly switch from grandmothers and nannies to parents. The best option is to hand the child over to the mother and leave immediately. After that, she needs to wait a little longer for the baby to return to normal.
It is important to understand that the child will have a certain line of communication with every adult who has a close relationship with him. We are talking about grandmothers, grandfathers, nannies, a kindergarten teacher, as well as dad, if he lives separately. The relationship with them is completely different from the one with my mother. Moreover, with each person the baby manifests itself in different ways. After all, all relatives have their own emotions and reactions, which the child unconsciously copies.
Relationships with other people will not be harmful if the mother does not show jealousy, aggression, and make her demands. Such reactions are exhausting for both adults and children. And most importantly, mom has no cause for concern. If she gives her child enough time, he will always perceive her as the closest person who can be trusted. Relationships with other adults and a change of environment will only benefit the baby. He will learn to communicate with different people, learn new information. All this will help him in the future.
Sometimes a child's voice and intonation changes when talking to a grandmother, he can command and manipulate her. If a child behaves this way, it means that he is allowed to. The grandmother considers the child's behavior to be normal, the baby is also happy with everything. As a result, harmonious relationships are built.
If the mother does not at all support the grandmother's view of education, they should not drink tea in the presence of the baby. Two different coordinate systems will throw him off balance. Better to abruptly hand over the child and leave.
It is much more difficult to give a kid a dedicated line of communication with a dad who lives separately. In this case, adults will have to forget about their conflicts and try to trust each other, and after a divorce it is very difficult. However, it is quite possible for a child to be allowed separate formats of relations with relatives whom you trust. When the kid goes to school, he will have his own line of communication with the first teacher. Later, it will not be difficult for him to make friends.
Because the child behaves relaxed with his parents, and allows himself a lot. In the kindergarten I was an obedient ideal girl, at home a tomboy. And in the kindergarten, I always kept myself within the framework, strangers' aunts, I was afraid of condemnation, and at home I relaxed with my mother.
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There is another side to the coin: Why does the baby not accept any of his relatives and only communicates with his mother
