It seems to me that I am a bad mother ... We are sure that her experience will be useful to every mother.
It is natural for a person to doubt himself and the correctness of his actions. Each of us often blames ourselves for any troubles or problems that have happened in life. Sometimes it seems that we are not good enough for something or not worthy for someone. The question of self-esteem is especially acute for young mothers - they are emotional and sensitive, full of experiences and anxieties, and most importantly, they are concerned about the task of ideal care for their baby. In this situation, the main thing is to realize that no one needs a perfect picture. Children need a dear, real mother - the one that just cares and gives warmth.
How to start loving your mom: a real story
Many new mothers are constantly concerned that they cannot be perfect. The thought “I’m a bad mother” occurs to almost everyone who has a child. And there are reasons for this - the environment is so fond of pointing out the shortcomings of upbringing: dressed too lightly, not potty trained, cannot read.
Grandparents, girlfriends and neighbors, casual passers-by - everyone is ready to strengthen such a complex in the mother's heart. Someone will note that the baby is thin, for someone he cannot part with the nipple for too long, and someone else will reproach that the baby spoke late.
The inner ideal of a woman also does not leave her alone - she wants so much to become real perfection! Social media and Hollywood movies showcase examples of beautiful and successful mothers who are doing well everywhere and everywhere. This is how real fears and complexes arise.
Defectologist and gestalt therapist Inna Vaganova, a mother of two children, shares her fears and how she managed to defeat the “bad mother” complex.
Feelings of worthlessness and guilt
I have not met people who are so prone to self-flagellation, all kinds of fears and feelings of guilt, like mothers. Initially, I felt like a terrible mother even during the attempts, when my eldest son was born. Then the doctors reproached me for pushing badly and could strangle the baby. But it was my first childbirth!
Gradually, as my baby grew and developed, I blamed myself even more - because he was gaining too much or too little weight. Further - more: I develop the child incorrectly, I do not know how to make him a correct daily routine. My son plays incorrectly, I dress incorrectly and walk with the child. And even he sleeps wrong with me ...
It turned out that as a mother I was completely terrible, incapable and simply ruining my little child.
When such caustic remarks are made by an unfamiliar person, they can be ignored and forgotten. But it was much more offensive when such things sounded from the lips of those closest to me - I heard reproaches from my parents and kindergarten teachers, doctors in hospitals and best friends. I listened to all these people: I really did not succeed as a mother, and my son was very unlucky with me - why is he punished? This feeling haunted me for almost 6 years.
My son grew up next to me as a kind and touching boy, took care of his younger brother, gave me bouquets and drew cute drawings, he himself learned to read. And I still convinced myself that I was a disgusting mother.
I tried not to allow bad thoughts on this topic, but every day I brought new self-accusations: the teachers scolded, the doctor made a remark, my son's T-shirt was not ironed well enough, the nails were not trimmed. All these events again and again forced me to sacredly believe in how bad I am a mother. This feeling stuck deep inside me and made it difficult to enjoy motherhood.
An invaluable daily concern
Probably, all this would have lasted forever if I had not taught myself to pay attention to the things that I do for my sons every day.
I woke the elder in the garden and cooked him a delicious breakfast, serving it in the form of funny faces. The kid was always waiting for a set of clean clothes and a good bedtime story. Every day we did special inhalations, because the child was allergic, and for a whole year I prepared a thermos of tea for him in the kindergarten every day, just because of the allergy to the garden compote.
I read a lot of useful literature for the development of my boys: both learned to speak early, and the elder was already confidently reading aloud.
In addition, I studied special literature to maintain the health of my sons (I shoveled a whole mountain of such literature): the eldest son spent only one day in the hospital in his entire life, and the youngest was never there.
Every day I take walks in the fresh air with my sons, prepare healthy meals for them, bathe them in a clean bathtub, and put cream on my broken knees. Together we draw and collect chestnuts for crafts, go to the zoo and feed the birds on the street.
I always listen to my children - they can talk about their experiences, they cry calmly in my arms, they bring me their secrets. The eldest son can always ask me any question, and I do not turn gray from horror and shame, I find words that I can use to explain everything to him.
Today I saw my youngest son crying from fatigue. For 40 minutes I held the kicking child in my arms and stroked his hair until he fell asleep.
Happiness is in the little things
Many mothers simply do not notice and often devalue those ordinary, but such important things that they do every day for their children. But how each of us loves to delve into our own mistakes!
Every day I do little maternal feats that I have always considered insignificant. But it is in these little things that the children’s happy childhood lies.
The smell of freshly baked pancakes in the morning and playing with cubes in the evening, hands that will hug and regret when it hurts. I help them understand their feelings and explore the world around them. My little ones called me “healing mother”, because every time they hurt, one touch of mine will soothe the tears. Just one touch of mine heals their physical and mental wounds!
You can endlessly blame yourself and blame yourself for something. But if each of us learns to notice and appreciate the things that he does for his children every day, this will become a true salvation.
Notice how every morning you get up and do a lot of feats for the little ones, just love them and live for them. No need to strive to be like others, try to imitate some example.
Our love and care for children is unique and it is so beautiful. This is what makes you feel alive. I allow myself to be real, to experience life to its fullest, and I teach this to my sons.
- 10 ways to get rid of the complex "I'm a bad mom"
- 10 things mom shouldn't blame herself for
- 12 things every mom is ashamed of
- There are no perfect mothers, or the secrets of French parenting
