Psychologist Julia Kondratevich tells who an ideal mother is or how to be a good enough mother.
Who is the perfect mom? - that woman who fully fulfills all the needs of her child - she does not shout, does not raise her voice, does not get angry, devotes all her time to him, takes him to different circles. The ideal mother always has a desire to play with her child, do crafts, go to different concerts, etc. Agree that all this is very reminiscent of an overprotective mother, and you and I know that overprotection hurts more than helps.
But there are also negative aspects in motherhood: this is an eternal lack of sleep, it is quarrels with my husband, with my mother, mother-in-law, these are fears, this is a lack of personal time for oneself and one's interests.
And knowing all these aspects, the British pediatrician and child psychoanalyst Donald Woods Winnicott introduced into psychology such a concept as "Good enough mom"... He says that mom is not a robot and not some kind of ideal creature, this is a woman who gives herself the right to make mistakesand what's more, she doesn't feel guilty if she makes this mistake. This is a woman who admits that she may be angry with her child, may want to be alone for a cup of tea.
Those. we can conditionally define that this is 80/20, where 80 - you are a good mother, 20 - you have the right to make a mistake.
Some women are horrified by the thought that they may be irritated or irritated to their child, because he is so small, so here it is necessary not to drive these thoughts, but to think about what is happening. Sometimes you can get tired, sometimes the child's behavior can knock you out of balance, here you need to think about what exactly it is. If you identify what exactly leads you to anger and aggression, then it will be clearer for you what to do about it.
What is the mom's task
In fact, the mother's task is to prepare the child for a strange, ambiguous world. If a mother reacts to everything with acceptance, she gives only one model of behavior to her child, and when he grows up, it is quite difficult for him to get along in a world where people can react with aggression to his some words and actions.
Children are constantly testing our boundaries, for example, when a child may purposely break a cup in order to see the reaction of the mother. And if mom always reacts in the same way, he cannot build a further model.
Personal boundaries, one of the simplest things a mother can teach her child, defend her interests, tell the child that this is my time, and this is the time that we can spend together. And after 3 years, it is quite possible to agree with the child, for example, for 10 minutes. while you are drinking coffee or tea.
And personal boundaries are part of self-esteem, which is formed in a child under 7 years old by parents. You need to work on personal boundaries for an extremely long time, as it is so subtle to defend your personal ones, but not to step over the boundaries of another. Personal boundaries are more about stating when you say “no, thank you, I won't do this,” than starting to make excuses and give a lot of reasons that you don't want to do this.
And then you give such instructions to your child how to implement this, how to defend your interests in kindergarten or at school, how to respond if, for example, the teacher is rude or raises his voice. He will absorb it if mom brings this model in real life. I. for example, to defend their boundaries with dad, with relatives, with strangers in a store or transport.
How to behave
And yet, say that you are angry, it is very important to understand what is happening to you internally. So that the child understands that he has permission to experience certain emotions, such as irritation, aggression, some negative emotions. This is a part of our psyche that we cannot get rid of, but we can suppress it if our parents do not allow us, for example, to show aggression.
Another mistake of ideal mothers is that they do not know how to ask for help, they do not know how to delegate child care to grandmothers, nannies or husbands. They want to do everything themselves, because they believe that only they can understand what their child really wants. In fact, this leads to a lot of complexity, because in this way you do not give the child the right to choose.
Repeat to yourself that you are a good enough mom, it helps a lot with excessive maternal perfectionism, and quite a few moms come to the idea that they do not feel right or care about their baby in the wrong way.
Remember, you cannot be perfect, you are the best mom for your child. Even if not perfect, but the best.
