What to do if a child is bullied in kindergarten?

The situation when a toddler complains about abusers in kindergarten is quite common. Some parents immediately run to sort things out with the persecutor, his parents, write a statement to the prosecutor's office, the police, demanding retribution. Others try not to listen to children's complaints, believing that the child is inventing all this to justify the unwillingness to go to preschool. Both those and others do not act quite correctly.

In this article we will tell you what to do if a child is offended in a children's team.

First steps

First you need to find out the size of the "catastrophe": do not ignore the complaints of your son or daughter about a certain Vasya or Kolya, who fights, takes away toys, bites or spits into your child's soup. Ask the little one as much as possible about who this Kolya-Vasya is, whether he offends other children or is limited only to your child, what is his surname, under what circumstances the aggressor begins to take action, how often he behaves this way.

Do not rush to draw conclusions and tell the child that Vasya-Kolya is a bad boy. It is necessary to understand everything soberly.

When the little one was offended, and through tears, sobbing, he talks about it, it is quite natural for the parents to rush to the defense with their breasts, to punish everyone and everything. But take your time: how you behave now depends on whether your child will be able to learn how to properly respond to aggressors and offenders, and there will be many more in his life.

Let us analyze what the algorithm of actions of mom (dad) should be approximately.

We speak with the teacher... We ask him the same questions that were previously asked to our own child, at the same time we note whether your baby was truthful in everything. In a conversation with a teacher, it is important to find out how aggressive Kolya-Vasya is towards other children, whether there are objective circumstances that can explain his behavior, and whether your child himself provoked him. If the teacher knows nothing about the conflict, you need to ask her to observe the relationship of your child with a specific "offender", to postpone the conversation for a couple of days. If the teacher is aware of what happened, he should be reminded that communication with the parents of the aggressor is the task of him, the teacher, to insist on such a conversation.

Do not talk to the offender, do not quarrel with his parents... Very often, angry mothers and fathers begin to scold someone else's child or wait for the arrival of his parents, reprimanding them in a raised voice. Remember that Koli-Vasya's parents will also protect their child. The more aggressively you attack them, the more actively they will defend themselves. Constructive conversation will not work.

The educator, the psychologist of the children's institution should speak with the parents and their child, they may even recommend that the parents show their child to specialists in psychocorrection and behavior correction.

We raise the issue at the parent meeting and talk with other parents, if the teacher's conversation did not bring the desired result. According to the collective appeal of moms and dads with their signatures addressed to the manager, it is possible to remove from the group a problematic aggressive pupil who does not want to behave respectfully towards others. But no one has the right to expel the baby. If there is no second group of your age in the kindergarten, it will be legally impossible to translate the "aggressor".
If all else fails, contact the manager with a statement and a request to draw up an appeal to the Commission on Juvenile Affairs. The abuser's parents who refuse to take action on their child, which is causing other children in the group to suffer, will have to deal with police and education officials.

How can you help your baby?

The algorithm described above is an external action. But you will also need internal actions that will help support your child in a difficult situation for him.

Support the baby, tell him that you are completely on his side.

And then choose one of the tactics that will teach the child to defend himself on his own, because you cannot be with him all day while he is in the kindergarten.

Psychologists note several techniques.

"Method of the border guard"

Train your son or daughter to clearly outline personal boundaries for those around them - “This is mine, you cannot touch it! I do not like this. I will not do this! " A child should not swallow resentment, one must learn to boldly say to the "attacker" that his actions are ugly, unpleasant. The child must clearly learn the "magic" children's phrase: "I am not playing with you!"

Ally search method

A child should look for allies and helpers in a difficult situation. He must learn to pronounce the problem and call for help. At the same time, it is important to clarify that there is a big difference between a sneak, who runs around to complain to the teacher for any reason and without him, and a normal person who really needs help.

Elders should be asked for help only when other measures have not helped.

The method of getting out of the conflict

Adults know very well that in some situations it is better and safer to retreat. A child should learn this too.

If the abuser is very aggressive (bites, fights, hurts), it is better to bypass him, not allowing him to violate personal boundaries.

Method of "similar exposure"

This is a very controversial method of teaching a child to fight back. If you hit - hit back, pinch - pinch back. Usually acts on aggressors without fail, but it can harm your child. After all, children do not understand where the border lies between permissible self-defense and real aggression, and can become the same aggressors. Without measuring their strength, they can cripple the offender, cause him serious damage.

Best of all, the preschooler who is trained in all these methods and can voluntarily choose one of them, depending on what the situation requires, can defend himself.

Tips for parents

But the main advice is for parents, only they can resolve the situation.

Despite all the arguments, fathers usually teach their children to physically fight back. This is also a useful skill, but you need to be extremely careful with it. In most cases, if the aggressive child in the group does not understand the words, does not listen to the comments of the teacher or nanny, and the words of his own parents mean little to him, it is better to teach the child how to get out of the conflict.
Pay attention to the agreement on the provision of educational services (you signed it when registering a toddler in kindergarten). It clearly defines the norms of acceptable behavior for pupils. If the actions of the abuser are contrary to the contract, pay the attention of the educator, the manager to this. This may become the basis for the management of the preschool institution to terminate the agreement with the parents of the unruly pupil.

Never shame your little son who came from kindergarten with a bruise or abrasion. Some dads and grandfathers "sin" with this: they begin to appeal to his masculinity ("You are a man! Be patient! Don't cry! Stop complaining! Figure it out yourself!"). The child will feel very lonely without the support of the closest people, and this will not contribute in any way to fostering courage in him.
Talk with the teacher more often not about how bad Vasya-Kolya is, but about how your child is behaving. There can be quite a few reasons for bullying in the children's team (an unusual surname, the name of your child, features of his appearance - redhead, with freckles, clothes in which you send your baby to kindergarten, and so on). If the reason is removable, do it: the wonderful knitted shorts with big bows at the knees, which the grandmother gave, may be liked by the grandmother, but for the child it is worse torture, because it is because of these bows that they laugh at him. There are children who themselves provoke others to aggression (they behave quietly, peacefully, but will not hesitate to put a “pig” on a peer at the opportunity). Remember to work on such deficiencies in your own child.

Sports activities - wrestling, martial arts, swimming, athletics will help increase the child's confidence in their abilities. Usually kids who are involved in sports behave more confidently in children's groups, clearly delineate their boundaries and can stand up for themselves.
If you happen to run into the parents of the abuser, do not divide the children into “your child” and “my child,” you have a common problem: one kid is offended, the other is the offender. But two are always involved in a conflict, it will be good if efforts can be combined.

The main thing is to teach your child to be generous and forgiving.

A person who does not know how to forgive, is less successful in life, often suffers from a wide variety of chronic diseases caused precisely by secret, long-standing, deep grievances.

If the abuser asks for forgiveness, it is best to forgive him and not remember the bad deed again.... It will be better for everyone, and especially for your child.