Many adults know exactly what actions are not permissible for children, but they themselves sometimes behave disrespectfully towards them. Therefore, the question of how not to yell at a child becomes relevant only for those parents who want to turn the tide.
Of course, mom and dad are people too. Problems at work, migraines, stress, and the child again “walks on his head”. As a result, the parents break loose, scream, and then begin to regret and suffer, realizing that screaming is not the best educational method.
Surely loud screams can change children's behavior for a while, but it is worthwhile to understand whether the parents sought such obedience. After all, the child does not realize the need for change, but calms down for a day or two so that the mother does not shout.
Then everything starts all over again, because at the moment when he hears parental screams that convey to the child the meaning of his wrong behavior, he dreams of only one thing: when the mother (father) will stop screaming. Let's talk about what to do in such situations.
What is the danger of parental cry?
Before moving on to concrete solutions to the "screaming" problem, one should figure out what can lead to raising a child in an atmosphere of constant screaming.
Already at a newborn age, children are able to recognize the intonation design of speech and its emotional coloring. Therefore, they begin to associate a raised voice with anger and aggressiveness.
If, in addition to loud shouts, the parents also add a physical effect that the child, on a purely reflective level, expects further troubles from the screaming mom or dad. And this threatens the violation of parent-child relations.
At an early and preschool age, children feel helpless in front of parental screams, but the older the child becomes, the more "hardened" he becomes. Therefore, adolescents are no longer afraid of such disciplinary action. Just think, mom is screaming again!
Depending on the characteristics of temperament and character, grown-up children will either begin to avoid adults in every possible way (including through rapprochement with teenage companies), or they will answer mom and dad with the same cries. As a result, there are constant scandals.
Another possible consequence is an excessive weakening of children's attachment to their parents. This means that a teenager will come under the patronage of more "understanding" people who do not always turn out to be decent or just well-mannered.
In addition, such a behavioral stereotype can become entrenched in the child's mind and be inherited. Having created a family and given birth to children, such a person will begin to educate them by screaming, copying parental behavior. That is, raising your voice will become a kind of relay baton.
If you still don't understand why you can't yell at a child, be sure to read the psychologist's article on this topic. This material describes in detail the negative consequences of raising a child by screaming.
Another delicate issue is child punishment. From an article by a child psychologist, you can understand why children should not be beaten and how cruel educational measures can affect the further development of children.
Are there any punishments that do not harm the baby's psyche? Yes, if you know how to punish a child correctly. It is this question that the psychologist's article is devoted to.
Causes of screams
The screams of parents, if you try hard, can always be justified: by family upbringing, the current psychological atmosphere in the family and at the workplace.
Why has yelling at a child become a kind of tradition for many?
- Raising the voice is passed down from generation to generation in the family... If a great-grandmother yelled at her grandmother, and that at her mother, then future generations are likely to repeat this psychological "program".
- The child is a weak "opponent", unable to give a decent answer... A breakdown aimed at a younger family member can provoke a situation at work, personal problems.
- Parental self-righteousness... Often, adults require a child to perform any action just because "they know better."
- Inability to plan your time... A child can play around (that's why he is a child), but who prevented his mother from waking up and leaving the house early, turning off her favorite TV show on time?
- Inability to explain certain things to a child... This feature is typical for the parents of schoolchildren. They repeat the same thing many times, but the child still does not understand anything.
- Focus on the opinions of the people around... A child can behave in different ways, and his actions are not always worthy. If others look disapprovingly or make comments, the parents will start screaming to try and fix the situation.
- Concerns about the health and life of the child... Parents can jump on their child if he runs out onto the road, jumps from a height, grabs on hot or sharp objects, etc.
Many parents justify their "loud" behavior by the fact that the child completely got out of hand and does everything out of spite. And other disciplinary measures, except for a sharp shout and even a spank, do not affect his actions at all.
It is very important to establish the true background of the behavior of the parents and the child. The most preferred method of dealing with parental screams will depend on this. It is also important to understand that some solutions do not help at all in correcting the situation.
Inadequate solutions
In psychological practice, so-called illusionary solutions are often encountered. Many parents adhere to these methods, hoping for the correction of the child and their own patience.
Correcting the child
Parents are convinced that they will stop getting annoyed as soon as the child is able to master important skills: hygiene skills, politeness, independent homework, cleaning the children's room.
Mothers and fathers turn to psychologists with the only request - to correct children's behavior. Of course, if you put a mother in ideal conditions, when her child stops playing and naughty, then she will most likely stop raising her voice.
However, the problem is that such conditions are created exclusively by the parents, and the child's obedience still needs to be “nurtured”. But the family uses parenting methods that are not conducive to good behavior.
Thus, the desire to send a child for "re-education" to specialists is quite typical for some mothers and fathers. Such parents do not fully understand what their contribution to education is and what their responsibility is. However, it is foolish to demand changes from a child if the adults themselves do not change.
Parental patience
This decision can be described as the desire of parents to restrain their own irritability in all ways. As a result, the family situation practically does not change at all, it is just that the mother or father is holding back so as not to inflict psychological trauma on the child.
The result of such parenting tactics is an unexpected emotional "explosion", since negative emotions tend to accumulate and pour out at a certain moment.
Experts are convinced that the longer adults hide their irritation, anger, aggressiveness, the more these negative feelings “detonate”. In such cases, not only screaming, but also physical measures of influence are not uncommon.
Of course, when parents are faced with a conflict of interest (and a disagreement with a child is always a conflict situation), they need to do something. Naturally, you need to learn to communicate calmly with children, to speak not loudly, but strictly. It remains only to understand how to do it correctly.
How to stop yelling at a child?
Surprisingly, you can find parents who raise children without constant screaming. Moreover, these mothers and fathers are not at all ideal, and their children, too, cannot be classified as "fluffy bunnies".
That is, these parents managed to refuse to raise their voices and choose an alternative approach to their own children. If you are haunted by the question of how to stop yelling at children, the following advice from a psychologist will be useful.
Looking in the mirror
The very first recommendation of experts - you need to look at yourself at the moment of a nervous breakdown. What can you see in the mirror? Most likely, it will be an ugly woman with contorted features, with hands shaking with anger.
This is the picture the child sees. At this moment, his only desire is that his mother would stop screaming as soon as possible and calm down. Does the woman herself dream about it?
Perhaps this unpleasant picture will help the mother calm down, because it is difficult to believe that she herself likes to scare the child, make him look at crazy eyes, listen to impartial words and expressions at a time of nervous frenzy.
Such a spectacle is especially frightening for a small child, for whom a beloved mother is the closest person in the world. It is likely that, because of such repetitive actions, very soon he will need qualified help from a psychotherapist.
However, having examined yourself during an emotional outburst, one should not become discouraged and start flagelling oneself. At the same time, you should not justify yourself in every possible way and try to shift the responsibility onto your spouse, grandmother, boss, etc.
Only with a sober assessment of the current situation can one understand that the real reason is one's own incontinence. You need to forgive yourself and begin to correct your behavior. And how to learn not to yell at a child, we will tell further.
Dealing with negative emotions
American teacher Pam Leo, in his works, gives excellent advice that allows you not only to get rid of the existing problem, but also to reduce the psychological harm that a child's upbringing with the help of screaming causes.
The specialist recommends making a promise to your child that from now on you will learn to cope with negative emotions, and permission to interrupt you if you lose control. For example, a toddler may cover his ears with his hands or say, "Mom, speak to me in a quiet and calm voice."
There may be ways to respond to this some:
- Rewind and say to the child, “Thank you honey for the reminder. I was so upset that I forgot about our agreement. "
- Build relationships: "Of course, your act is not good, but even in this case, you should not have yelled at you."
- Restart agreement: “Let's start all over again. I was very upset because you did not behave very well, but I promise to improve.
One of these ways to work through negative emotions will definitely work. You just need to choose the one that is closest to you and your child.
Permission to interrupt "burst"
Another option, how not to yell at the child, is to allow him to interrupt the parent when he raises his voice. This method has certain advantages:
- it gives the baby and teenager the opportunity to protect themselves from screaming without various scandals;
- it increases the self-esteem of children, since they are convinced that they can solve issues of upbringing on an equal basis with adults;
- it helps to strengthen the relationship between the child and the parent, as the latter demonstrates that he respects the child's feelings and desires.
In addition, it is necessary to understand that the child learns to communicate, focusing on the parents. It doesn't matter what caused the screams - the desire to intimidate or the loss of control. It should be understood, if you do not interrupt the screams, that after a while children will begin to behave in the same way towards their peers and even adults.
Specific recommendations from parents
Not only experts, but also parents who are faced with a similar problem are thinking about how to stop yelling at a child.
Their advice is purely "utilitarian", since it has been repeatedly tested in practice.
What do experienced moms and dads recommend?
- Don't let family troubles completely enslave you. You need to allocate, if possible, for yourself at least an hour a day, when you can tie, sleep, watch TV or lie in the bath.
- Get positive out of communication with children. Hug and kiss your child several times daily. Such tenderness should be performed both in the morning and in the evening. By the way, this is useful for child development.
- Warn your child about your unimportant mood. Of course, the little toddler will not understand this, but at least you will express yourself. But a preschooler and teenager will most likely stop being naughty.
- Allow negative feelings to escape. Try wrinkling a piece of paper, banging a wall in your hearts, or beating a pillow. The best way to do physical exercise is to spin a hoop or swing your abs.
- Wash off the energy "dirt" from yourself. You can treat energy practices in different ways, but clean water really reduces the heat of passions. Try to shower or soak in the tub.
- Take sedatives. It can be both natural remedies (valerian or mint) and pharmaceutical pharmaceuticals.
- Come up with some kind of deterrent. You can, for example, imagine that strangers have come to visit you, in front of whom you are ashamed to express yourself in full measure. You should also think that you are going to yell at someone else's child, which, of course, is unacceptable.
- Chat with those who are in the same situation. Sometimes communication on the Internet or a hobby club helps to find the best method for resolving the situation.
- Try to understand how the child feels when yelling at him.
When reprimanding a child, you need to talk about the unworthiness of his act, and not get personal. Remember that your child is a good person, but his behavior leaves much to be desired.
If the above recommendations did not help, do not be afraid to contact the specialists.
When should you see a psychologist?
Often, it is not possible to cope with the problem, since it is quite difficult to understand the parent-child relationship, because usually all household members are involved in conflict situations.
It is necessary to consider all cases in which it is recommended to contact psychologists or psychotherapists.
- Despite the efforts made, the situation is not improving. “I break into a child, I persuade myself, I realize that yelling is very bad, but I can't restrain myself,” - this is what mothers say in consultation with a psychologist. The expert will be able to help to understand the motives and background of inappropriate actions and find the best solution.
- The parent is under constant depression and stress. Moreover, it is impossible to throw the whole situation out of consciousness, the problems only accumulate. The specialist will be able to understand where the failure occurred and where to get the strength to resolve the problem.
- Family relationships are in crisis. If, due to improper upbringing methods, problems with a spouse and a child begin, resentments only accumulate, you need to understand how to establish contact with household members, to restore good relations with a spouse and children.
- Psychosomatic diseases appear. Often, the body reacts to psychological troubles with various disruptions - migraines or intestinal disorders. Moreover, problems can arise for both the parents and the child.
The help of a specialist is one of the best ways to solve a problem. The psychologist will be able to understand the causes of parental screams and give useful recommendations.
Mothers and fathers who are ready not to be angry with the child and refuse to scream when raising him should deserve all respect. Such parents not only solve urgent problems, but also pass on the correct behavioral attitudes to their descendants.
In addition, the calmer the adult behaves, the more obedient the child grows. Such is the educational paradox. This fact is explained by the fact that looking at cold-blooded mothers and fathers, the baby himself begins to cope with his feelings and control his own behavior.
