What should a woman do if her husband doesn't want children? When do you need the help of a specialist?
Sooner or later in the life of every woman there comes a stage when she begins to think about children. It would seem that everything is fine: beloved husband, financial stability, own living space ... Only one "but": the same "beloved husband" categorically does not want children. There can be many reasons for this, both subjective and quite real. Therefore, before throwing up a scandal and filing for divorce, you need to try to understand the situation and, if possible, come to a common denominator.
So, let's consider the most common reasons for a man's unwillingness to become a father, as well as options for eliminating them.
Problem 1: Fear of responsibility
Of course, the appearance of a baby in a family is a huge responsibility for both parents: moral, financial and legal. A man is not always ready to "hang" an additional burden on his shoulders, especially if he does not belong to the category of responsible people in life. Even in adolescence, trying to protect children from rash acts, parents often frighten them with the obligations that an unplanned pregnancy is fraught with. Even after many years, when the man is already married, the birth of a child still seems to him to be something negative.
Decision: You need to try to show your husband that adding to the family is not something frightening and unknown, but a great joy. Invite friends and relatives with children to visit, or visit them yourself more often. When your spouse sees that young parents have not turned into tortured zombies, crushed by the burden of responsibility, but are enjoying their new role, he may reconsider his views.
Problem 2: Husband is not psychologically “ripe” for fatherhood
The real age of a man in this case does not matter. He may be 20 or 40 years old, but he does not feel the inner readiness to have a child. Such infantilism, as a rule, is associated with long-standing psychological problems: the costs of upbringing, when the child was not instilled in independence in time, when he suffered from a lack of male influence. Perhaps he grew up in an incomplete family or his father disappeared for days at work and was not able to deal with his son. Be that as it may, it will not be easy for a woman to cope with this situation. Sometimes you have to resort to the help of a professional psychologist.
Decision: If you and your spouse are both still young, then psychologists advise as a "training" to have a pet that will require care and attention to yourself, but to a lesser extent than a child. The husband realizes what it means to take care of someone else besides himself, he will understand that there is nothing scary in this, and gradually he will come to the conclusion that a child is also not the worst thing in the world. The situation is much more difficult if the spouse is older than you, he is a fully mature, established man, but he is still not ready to become a father. The fact that he does not see you as the mother of his children can play a role here, but perceives herself as a child. Then you need to work on your behavior: get rid of infantilism, whims, become more serious, responsible and independent, so that your husband understands that you are quite capable of coping with the role of a mother.
Problem 3: Financial instability
If a man is fully aware of the degree of responsibility to his family, then before the birth of a child, he wants to prepare a stable financial platform. This is a completely logical and correct desire, but in the modern world it is not always possible to get on your feet quickly. Especially if you got married while still a student, live in a rented apartment and do not have a stable income. In such a situation, it may really be worth postponing the issue of children for a couple of years, because spending with the appearance of a baby will increase significantly. But it is not uncommon for both spouses to have sufficient income, they have their own housing and do not have a lot of debts, nevertheless, the husband believes that the financial base has not yet been created.
Decision: The concept of "a lot" and "little" in the money question is very relative. Perhaps your spouse is making excessive demands on himself through your fault. Then the only way out is to curb your appetites: do not spend endlessly money on fur coats, handbags, shoes and beauticians, but try to save money (only on yourself - not on your husband!). Also, you should not constantly argue that children need all the best, that they need to be taken on vacation, given to all kinds of circles, and cited as examples of wealthy families who spend huge amounts of money on children. Of course, this will only scare your husband. But when he realizes that you are able to spend less and do not plan to buy a golden stroller and a Versace pot for your future baby, he will be able to breathe a sigh of relief.
Problem 4: lack of confidence in the wife
Often women are faced with a situation when they have been married for several years, the husband categorically does not want children, it comes to divorce ... And literally six months later, they find out that the husband has remarried and the new family is expected to be replenished. What is the conclusion from this? He didn't want children from you. Then you need to think about why. The reason may be a banal distrust. You do not work and are financially dependent on your husband - then he has the right to suspect you of a selfish intention to “tie” him to himself as a child. You allow yourself to flirt with other men - your husband cannot guarantee that you are faithful to him. Do not care about your spouse, do not show enough attention - he does not consider you a good wife and mistress.
Decision: Analyze your behavior carefully. First, you need to get a job and, if possible, acquire financial independence: this will benefit you in any case. Behave with restraint in the presence of strangers: even if you do not mean anything bad, your spouse has the right to be jealous. Show him more care, be attentive and anxious, so that your husband realizes that you are able to take care of him and the future baby. But if the whole point is not in you, but simply the faithful fell out of love, met another and does not plan further life together ... In such a situation, it is hardly possible to help and it makes no sense to drag out the separation. First of all, you should think about yourself: a man can become a father even at 60, but for a woman to give birth to her first child after 40 is already problematic.
Problem 5: Banal selfishness
A man wants to “live for himself”: to travel a lot, to go to restaurants and parties for pleasure, or to disappear all day long in the garage in the company of his beloved four-wheeled friend. And the birth of a child is seen by him as only an unwanted hindrance to a rich and exciting life.
Decision: Make it clear to her husband that life does not stop with the birth of a baby. Communicate more with married couples who have already had children, but do not sit in four walls. Explain to your spouse that you do not plan to overload him with the responsibilities of raising a child, and he will have more than enough time for himself. Only in this matter, the main thing is not to overdo it - after all, you may need help with the child in the future.
Problem 6: Negative Experience of Someone in the Environment
Perhaps some of the husband's friends or relatives did not have a marriage after the birth of their first child, or they fell into a "debt hole", or a sick child was born in the family. Or maybe the spouse himself grew up in an incomplete or large family, which could hardly make ends meet.
Decision: Explain to your husband that you do not have to repeat someone else's fate. Your life is in your hands, and there are no less positive examples than negative ones.
Problem 7: Medical reasons
There are options here. Either in the family you or your husband had cases of hereditary diseases that can be transmitted to your future children. Or the spouse himself has problems with reproductive function and he cannot have children. It happens that the disease that caused infertility can be completely eliminated, but for some reason a man does not want to be examined and treated, and often does not want to admit the presence of health problems at all, because for him this is tantamount to admitting his male failure.
Decision: In such a situation, you cannot do without the help of a specialist: a doctor dealing with male infertility problems or a medical geneticist. If the problem is so serious that it cannot be solved even with the involvement of doctors, then there is always the option of adoption. This is a serious step that requires an absolutely conscious decision, but often it becomes the only way out and the guarantee of a happy family life.
General recommendations
And in conclusion, a few more tips to help establish contact between spouses:
- Talk to your husband, discuss controversial issues. Men are secretive creatures, not inclined to advertise their problems: one can hide under the mask of another, and he will never tell about the third ... Therefore, it often takes a lot of time before a wife can get to the middle of this psychological “nesting doll”.
- Try to find a common language with the environment of your husband: with relatives, friends. Sometimes a man's negative beliefs about fatherhood are a reflection of the opinions of those close to him.
- Don't push the man too hard. You need to convince him gradually, gradually leading him to the idea that the birth of a child is a wonderful and long-awaited event.
- What you definitely shouldn't do is get pregnant “secretly”, hoping that the husband will melt as soon as he sees his son or daughter. Unfortunately, practice shows that this is not at all the case, and the close connection that is formed between the mother and the child at the stage of pregnancy bypasses the father.
- Think about yourself. If you cannot cope with the situation and the husband categorically does not intend to have children, then you need to clearly set priorities for yourself. What is most important for you in life: to be close to this particular person or to become a mother? Your further actions will depend on the answer to this question.
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My man does not want to have children, how to be and what to do
Clinical psychologist Veronika Stepanova reveals the reasons why a man is not ready to have children, and also explains how to solve this difficult issue:
